I read recently that you should not stay in bed for longer than 20 minutes, trying to fall asleep.
I just heard the third quartet of chimes from our grandfather clock, so I figured it was time to get up and at least do something, rather than to continue to toss and turn, my jaw clenching tighter and tighter in frustration as sleep continued to evade.
I'm shocked at how painfully bright my computer screen is when the rest of the house is in total darkness. Well, not total. My kiddos, while not necessarily afraid of the dark, sleep with no less than 3 lava lamps aglow, not to mention various other nightlights and low-watt lamps. So there is a nice mid-day shine coming from the upstairs hallway.
I have the most random of thoughts vying for center stage tonight.
I miss my grandmother. I wish she were alive to see me as a grown woman, and to meet my children. But I'm also thankful that she didn't live long enough to see two of her three children die prematurely in middle age.
I wonder what my friends living across the globe are doing right now. Kendra, in Kuwait, and Charlotte in London, and my nine-day-old niece in Japan.
I imagine what people on airplanes right now are engaged in. Are they flying for business, for pleasure? Neither? I think about all the times I've flown... For weddings, funerals, job interviews, vacations. Air travel, when you really stop to think about it, is mind boggling.
The woman that I would have considered to be my best friend during some milestone years of my life is someone I haven't seen since 2007. That's crazy to me. She was my matron of honor, I hosted her baby shower. I remember trudging through so many inches of snow the day she and her husband moved into their first house; I smile to think of the picnic basket of tacos they brought to Jim and me the day we moved into OUR first home. I remember what I was wearing the day her daughter was born; I remember what I was wearing the last time we saw one another. We are friends on Facebook, and mail each other Christmas cards. But I wonder if we can pick up again... I know we can't go back. I'm not sure I'd want to. But I miss her, and what we were, and what we could have stayed, if not for life.....
My head hurts so much. I've taken to clenching my jaw at night. I've been given a deadline by my dentist to get it under control naturally before I need to pursue a night guard. Attempts to "deal with it" are not going well.
Oh, hey, there is the clock again.
I totally understand how people become addicted to substances. I do. I have a very real temptation right now to raid Tiff's stash of Ambien and Percocet just so I can sleep for a few hours and get out of my head, and stop the endless loop of to-dos and I wonders that fill my mind.
I have MOPS in the morning, and then a full night of entertaining my eldest children, and then I need to remember that I have to prep toppings for a taco bar to take to the Crisis Pregnancy Center on Monday, but to do that before I go to our college ministry for a superhero party we are throwing for a 1st grader who is dying of bone cancer, and also Seth's teacher wants to have a progress meeting and Erin's class needs juice boxes for her Valentine's Day party and is James even HAVING a Valentine's party, and I wonder if the girls' weekend to Chicago is still happening or maybe my friends just decided to go without me and that's why I haven't heart any more about the trip and speaking of friends, I wonder if I'm ever actually going to make any here in our new area. I mean, there are some acquaintances, but no one super close, except Connie, I love her, but we need to find a way to see each other more. And I wonder if the school just had an over abundance of volunteers for the Daddy Daughter dance on Friday, or if no one called me because they don't know who I am? I need to to remember to take Tiff's sushi out of the fridge before trash day; she won't be able to eat it because of drill. I can't believe she has to be at drill on Superbowl Sunday. Wow, Superbowl Sunday last year was insane. James had his broken arm and we were going into the blizzard and Sean and Chrissy came over for the game, and now we don't even talk to them, really, and that is sad. But I don't really hear from anyone in Sylvania anymore, so I guess that's normal.
And OH MY GOSH do you see why my jaw hurts?
That's just a teeny tiny portion of what is going through my head when I try to sleep. And that isn't even the BIG stuff. The really yucky, I'm-in-therapy-for stuff that I don't talk about here.
Speaking of things I don't talk about on my blog anymore....
Remember how much I wrote after Duncan was born? Yeah, I miss writing like that.
I think I was emotionally healthier when I was able to write like that. I don't think I'm feeling any less these days than I was then. I just had a heck of an easier time getting those feelings out. Gosh. 7 years ago.
7 years ago, we moved to Tennessee, and I found out I was pregnant, and met Dr. Morgan and the people at WHFBC and started to learn how to be a stay at home mom, and drove to Louisville to see my Daina because she was about to have her twins, and, oh, I miss my Daina, too. She's one of those people who I could drive to right this minute and just stand on her porch and when she opened the door, she would just know why I was there and what I needed, and I will say til I die that the best think the internet ever gave me was her friendship.
More random? Okay.
We thought our puppy was spayed when we got her at 9 weeks old. She wasn't. I bought cloth diapers today. For my dog. Because she is in heat and bleeding all over my house and furniture. Fun times. And let me tell you, her milkshake is bringing quite the collection of boys to our yard, if you know what I mean. Seriously. Homegirl has some super pheromones going on over here.
Clock, again. Gah. But my eyes feel tired.
Let's try this again.