40w Update

How far along: Today is my due date!  Or, at least, one of them.  Between my four doctors, I had four due dates: May 27, May 31, June 2, or June 3.  But according to MY calculations, today was the forty week mark.  I have to admit, I’m thrilled to be two weeks post-partum rather than still pregnant at forty weeks.

Total weight gain: I ended up gaining 25 lbs for the entirety of James’ pregnancy.  25 from my starting weight, and (gulp!) 38 from the lowest weight reached during the first tri sickness.  As of today, I only have 2 lbs to lose to be back at the starting weight; so that makes 15 to lose to get back on track with where I was during my Weight Watchers journey at the end of summer last year.  I’m giving myself a few more weeks to regulate my milk supply and to wean off a couple of my meds, and then I plan to sign back up with WW Online.

General disposition:  It’s been an interesting two weeks.  James is an amazing baby, and in the parenting department, I’m feeling pretty good.  We’ve had a few extenuating family issues come up in the past couple weeks, and those have had me anxious and sad, but I’m dealing.  Dr. Gibbs wants me to talk to a counselor; we’ll see.

Sleep:  I’m actually sleeping well enough.  James eats about 11 pm, and then not again until 3ish, and then 7, so not too bad in the middle-of-the-night wakings.  But I have to admit, being up that hour in the middle of the night is no fun, and I feel pretty groggy when I wake up for the day.

Best moment this week: It’s hard to narrow down – it’s been a great week.  I think one of my favorite moments was just this morning, cuddling on the couch with Jim and Erin before he headed out for the day.  The contentedness was so pure.

Movement:  Let’s go with my movement.  My recovery from the c-section has been a BREEZE.  Seriously, hands down, my easiest recovery.  I have yet to actually have any pain from the actual surgery.  I’ve had some cramping the past few days, but Dr. Gibbs said that is actually more from the tubal.  I’ve not had any hemorrhoid issues (thank you, Jesus!!!).  I have some pretty yucky headaches lingering from some complications with my spinal.  But overall?  I feel great!   

Labor Signs/Body Changes of Note:  I’ve already touched on my weight, and how I’m feeling.  My body has yet to really morph back into a shape that fits into pre-pregnancy clothes, but I know that will come.  James is actually nursing – which is a whole new experience! – and my milk came in about day three, so, yeah, there is that change. =)

What I miss:  Not a whole lot!  It’s no secret that things got SO HARD at the end.  I honestly don’t miss being pregnant one bit.  I’m so, so, so happier with James on the outside.

What I am looking forward to:  I’m looking forward to so much….I just want time to slow down a little so I can enjoy this newborn stage as much as possible!

And just to close…here is a picture of the sweet little man at two weeks old, napping away while mommy blogs:

James Ethan

I always wanted to be a mommy to three boys.

And last Saturday, that dream came true.

James Ethan was born via c-section at 8:37 AM, Saturday, May 19, 2012.  He weighed 6 lbs., 7 oz., and was 20” long.  Like his sister, he spent his first day in the NICU on oxygen and a feeding tube, but was back in my arms Sunday.

 
For my own documentation, I’ll come back in another post and fill in the gaps about the c-section and our hospital stay and my recovery.   I just needed to get his arrival up on the blog before any more days passed.  Sometimes, I forget not everyone I know and love is on Facebook (Hi, Kendra!), so many of you haven’t heard this news, let alone have seen the adorableness that is my fourthborn.

Thus far, he is my most mellow baby; is nursing like a champ (huge surprise there!); and has already stolen my heart in a way that I seriously did not expect.

Birthday

Sweet baby boy,

I can’t even imagine who you’d be today.

I think about three-year-old Seth.  His monkey birthday party, with his best friend Gage and his hero Charlie.  Remembering what his vocabulary was, continuing the nightmare that was potty training.  Figuring out how to parent a toddler who was becoming more pure boy each day.

I see two-going-on-three Erin.  Yes, she is just days into this two-year-old stage, and yet, it is already so evident to see the toddler she is going to be versus the baby I’ve grown to love so.  She skip-hops down the street, Bentlie dangling by a sidewalk chalk-streaked ear from Erin’s grip.  She has a fiery personality (which is a mommy’s polite way of saying that she has a temper) and a sweet heart.  And she is like no one I’ve ever known.

And then there is you.  Is it sad and macabre and morbid to say that I sometimes think of you as my ghost child?

You were little person who never got to be anything more than a dream.  A one-pound miracle occurrence that touched my body for 158 days, my arms for 12 hours, and my soul forever.  On one hand, it’s a comfort to know that I can “make” you into whomever I’d want you to be.  Whatever blend of your daddy and me that I can imagine, in both looks and personality.  I wonder if you’d be like Micah, in true just-a-blink-younger-than-your-brother style.  I wonder if you favorite color would be green, just because it’s Seth’s favorite color.  OR.  If your favorite color would be anything BUT green, because it’s Seth’s favorite color.  Would you have Seth’s dark eyes, or Erin’s blue?  Would your hair have a rare double crown like your big brother, or swirl delicately from the right like your little sister?  I wonder about these trivial things, I suppose, because nothing about her child is ever truly trivial.  Not to a mother.

I can’t say that I doubt our decision to have you cremated.  I’m glad that we didn’t have to pick a final in-the-ground resting place for you, because I can’t imagine how we would have made that choice: to return to Tennessee and leave you in Ohio; or to return you with us to White House, only to leave you two years later.  That said, I struggle with not seeing your tree throughout the week.

It, as I suspected it might, became your place.  You are there, to me, more than anywhere else on earth.  Not so much your urn, though I know that holds your earthly remains.  Not your blanket, though I know it cradled your brief stay with us.  Not your footprint ornament, though I know it was the last thing you touched.  No.  It is your tree, so carefully selected and planted by a family who loved you immensely, simply as a reflection of the love they had for me and your daddy.  I stand at the tree, and I feel close to you.  I feel whole in a way that only comes when I am free to publicly acknowledge you, and my role as your mother, even in your absence.

I asked Andrea to pick up birthday balloons for you today, and to tie them to your tree in my absence.  While I know there are few people on earth that love you more than her family – especially AP – it still hurts that it is a “surrogate mommy” doing this favor for me.  If I weren’t otherwise occupied today, I think I would have made the delivery myself, just to be near you on your third birthday.

Speaking of that “other” occupation….

Oh, baby.  I know you aren’t here.  I know birthdays are so foolishly irrelevant in heaven.  But today has always been YOUR day.  People all over the world know that May 19 is Duncan Thomas’ birthday.  But today, you become even a little bit more human, in the fact that you learn a lesson that all people who have a sibling need to learn, and that is to share.

You see, today, you become a big brother again.  You’ve shared your birth month of May with your sister; today you share your birth day with your newest brother (or sister… I’m writing this when only God yet knows the identity of our new baby).

It was a day that we would have chosen to avoid.  Not so much because it is a sad, tragic day.  Because it wasn’t.  Not really.  It was a beautiful day that was completely, entirely, utterly about you.  Treasuring you. Getting to know everything we could about you.  Before we had to say goodbye.  So, really, the 20th was the sad day.  But the 19th….it was the day of your birth.  You were our little fighter rockstar, Duncan, and May 19 was YOUR DAY.

And now we’ve asked you to share.  Or rather, God, via Dr. Gibbs, has asked us to share what had become sacred and solely yours.

My immediate reaction of course was no!  Especially when I thought we’d had the perfect day all squared away – May 11.  Eight days after your sister’s birthday, eight days before yours.  Perfect.  Planned.  Scheduled.  And foiled.  By no one’s fault, per se.  But foiled, nonetheless.  And then, because of the crazy, frantic, bureaucratic, paper-driven, insurance-heavy world we live in today, we were handed the “last resort” option of welcoming your little brother or sister on the morning of your birthday.  But then, the voice of reason, aka Daddy, was brought into the loop, and as soon as I told him what the doctor had said, your daddy responded without hesitation, “I’m okay with it.  I actually think it’s going to be really special.”  (He gets that sweet, sensible, sensitivity from your Gramma, I think, because when I told her, she said, “I think it’s an honor, really.”)

If you care – which, in my heart I know you don’t – it would sure help your worrisome momma to know you would feel the same way as Daddy and Gramma.  I would like to think that your little three-year-old self might even be excited to get to share your birth day date with your little brother or sister.  And just in case your weren’t all that excited, I also know we would spend the next 20 years making sure you both felt special, unique, and individually celebrated on your birth days.

So, of course, now that I’ve managed to turn YOUR birthday letter into more about your new sibling than you (ugh, failing at the “individual” celebration already), I just have to tell you again, and again and again and again….

I love you.  I miss you every day.  I know that logically if you were here, Erin wouldn’t be, and what mother can fathom choosing one child over another, but that logic doesn’t stop me from wishing Seth had his little brother riding shotgun in his big blue truck.  My heart aches for weeks in early May as I cling to the memory of my last days with you.  Sometimes, I order pasta pomodoro even when I don’t want it, because it was the last meal I had while you were with me, and it’s “ours.”  Just because the things that belong to just you and me are so few, and heartbreakingly less than the moments and memories I’ll acquire with your siblings, I still need you to know – I need the world to know – that I love you passionately.  I love you fiercely.  I love you as much as each of my “take home” babies – and maybe, in some other realm, even more.

Apple Jack…..I miss you.  I miss you every day, in ways that only the two of us realize or recognize.  Your memory, your place hasn’t dimmed in the three years since you left.  Your place in my heart, in our home, as our second child is firm and unshakable.

I promise, no matter what is contained in the blog post I write next…today is your day.  It’s your birthday.  Today, I will consciously, deliberately, and joyfully celebrate YOU.

Happy birthday, baby.  We miss you.  We love you.  The first thing I’m going to eat after surgery is birthday cake for you.

Love, Mommy

If I’d only known…

I hate that I don’t have any photos to accompany this post.  We’re all moms with smartphones; you think we’d be used to whipping out the cameras to capture rare memorable moments.

Alas.

For the past, oh, I don’t know, at least 4, maybe 5 years, Jim and some of his best friends…oh wait, I do have a picture for this!

Anyways, these five guys have gathered in the Dayton/Cinci area for a annual guys’ weekend in the spring for the past half-decade.  It usually involves several hours of March Madness watching. golfing, Dave & Buster’s, Montgomery Inn, Bill’s Donuts, and general “boy stuff.”  And while we wives have never stood in the way of this tradition or begrudged our hard-working hubbys this getaway, we have gradually hinted at a reciprocal weekend for us girls.

And this past September, we actually pulled it off.

Four of us girls met up in West Chester, Ohio for a 48-hour retreat of shopping, eating, and girl time.  And we kept up pretty good pace with the boys when it comes to the eating department.

We met up late Friday afternoon at our hotel, and enjoyed a relaxing (kid-free!!!!) dinner at Bravo!, followed by a screening of the chic flick I Don’t Know How She Does It.  Saturday was full of outlet mall shopping, followed by uber-yumminess at the aforementioned Montgomery Inn, and then Graeter’s ice cream (which, really, wasn’t all that impressive; I’ll take my Handel’s any day).

Anyway, the point of this post actually isn’t about marking this weekend, though it is probably worth documenting, because the likelihood that we’ll manage it again any time soon is slim.

The funny part is this…

As we were headed to dinner Friday night, I marveled from the backseat of Nikki’s crossover, “I can’t believe we actually, finally, are doing this.  Then again, it’s the first time we haven’t had at least one of us pregnant or nursing in the last 5 years.”

And then Kristen, who strangely had insisted on sitting in the front seat due to a sudden onset of car-sickness, sheepishly says, “Well, that’s not exactly true…”  Hooray!  She was announcing to us that she was about 9 weeks pregnant with her third child.

Between dinner and our movie, as the four of us walked around the local shops, we each shared our current positions on our growing families.  Nikki and Jerry have one son, Jackson, and while they may want additional children, Nikki is pursing an administrative/principal certification and position within her school district so the timing is less than ideal to expand their family; Craig and Steph have three-year-old Aaron, sweet Zachary in heaven, and are pursuing Chinese adoption; Kristen had just shared her news that they were adding #3 to 4-yr-old Emily and 2-yr-old Aiden; and then there was me.

I remember saying to Stephanie, “I’m so glad Jim and I already have decided to put off any baby-making for at least the next year, because I think I’d have learned Kristen’s news, and totally gotten baby envy,” to which Kristen overheard and responded, “Yeah, just watch, I’ll call you in a couple months, and you’ll be pregnant.”

This was Friday night.

On Wednesday, I ducked out of choir practice early to pick up a Dollar Tree pregnancy test.

And, yes, we laughed a when I sent Kristen the text that said, “You know how you said you’d call in a couple months and I’d tell you I was pregnant?”  Little did I know that if I’d had any inclination that girls’ weekend, I’d have gotten a positive result on a pregnancy test….

Anyways.  Not my most eloquently written or profound blog post.

But given the emotion of this week, it’s good to reflect on how this final gestational journey of mine started.

Flashback

It is the third week of May, and the weather is perfect.  Cool breezes, bright blue skies, sleeping with the windows open.

I stand in my mother-in-law’s bathroom, and let the hot water beat over my swollen belly.  I rub the loofah, dripping with Ivory, over too-tight skin, and I start to hyperventilate, just a bit.

Move, I think.  Please, just move.  I can’t handle this, please, just a little move.

You’d think I was just having a horrible flashback, but I’m not.  I’m fully present, three years later almost to the day, and I’m not talking to Duncan, I’m talking to our sweet, unborn fourth child.

I’m 38w pregnant, and I was never supposed to see this day.

My MFMs in Tennessee said I’d be fortunate to make it to 30w, given my history.  But 30w came, and then 34w, and I slowly crept closer to the magical 37w mark that would allow Dr. Gibbs to take this baby from in  to out, and we could all breathe easier.

But.

Last Thursday, I had an amnio. Just a precaution, said the doctors.  We’re fully expecting perfect results.  Be at the hospital Friday morning at 6:30 for your c-section.

I had the amnio.  I dropped Seth and Erin off at my in-laws.  My mom and I enjoyed a pricey Italian meal while Jim golfed.  And at 9:30 pm, Dr. Gibbs cancelled my c-section due to “poor results” from the amnio.

Disappointed.  Anxious.  Angry.  Discouraged.  Miserable.  All these emotions and more overwhelmed me, and any clarity that may have let me appreciate the fact that I was sparing my baby NICU time.

May 11 was supposed to be this baby’s birthday, and it wasn’t.

Tuesday, I had a routine NST, which the baby failed miserably, prompting Dr. Gibbs to order a BPP, which the baby passed beautifully.  Little stinker.  So, we wait.

And while we wait, I become more pregnant.  More uncomfortable.  More apprehensive.

The baby, while we know is small, is still, for all intents and purposes, out of room.  Therefore, movement is slowing down.  A lot.

And I’m terrified.

I’ve spent more time on my left side, consuming gummy bears and chocolate covered raisins and Pepsi, than I’ve spent the whole pregnancy.

Friday morning, I will have another NST, and based on today’s (lack of) movement, I’m anticipating another BPP.  And since my children apparently like to mess with my head, I’m sure the baby will again cooperate, and we will wait some more.

I’m so tired.  I’m so emotionally and physically drained, and I just want this to be over.  Which is a sad way to end this final pregnancy of mine.

But as Duncan’s third birthday approaches, and garage sale signs begin to litter Walbridge yards, and the cottonwood drift from the trees to my sinuses, I sit.  Swollen belly.  Heavy heart.  The kicks slow, and the flashbacks quicken, and I find myself willing away the hours til I can take an Ambien and sleep away more hours, just to wake to another day of waiting.

36w Update

How far along: 36w1d…Last week, at my MFM ultrasound, Dr. Sunderji officially moved my estimated due date to May 31.  So, now my weeks roll over on Thursday instead of Saturday.  4 days wouldn’t make that big of a difference, you’d think, but it will indeed come into play….

Total weight gain: Um….yeah.  It’s not pretty.  And even though I know it is so much water due to the BP issues and hypertension, man, it’s hard to type 21 lbs.  Ugh.  Ugh, ugh, ugh.

General disposition:  Not too bad, I guess.  I mean, there are a lot of changes coming in the next few days, and there has been a lot to process in the last few, but, I’m good.

Sleep:  I was reunited with the wonder that is Ambien when I was admitted to the hospital this week.  I’m still in love.  And I’m asking Dr. Gibbs for a script tomorrow.

Best moment this week: This is vain…..random people at the hospital telling me how small I am for being 9 months pregnant.  I feel like an elephant, so, yeah, I kind of liked the compliment.

Movement:  S/he never stops.  Ever.  EVER.  I literally have bruises from the kicks.   

Labor Signs/Body Changes of Note:  Sure…..I’ll spare you the details (they’re gross), but yes, there are things a’changin’ with my body.  And, according to the fetal monitors, I’m having some pretty strong contractions (not too comforted by the fact that I can’t feel them).  But none of that really matters because we are having a c-section.  I mean, I guess it’ll matter if my water breaks, but….anyways.  Labor…..I’m glad I don’t have to do it.  It can stay far, far away, as far as I’m concerned.

What I miss:  Being able to move easily.  My body aches.  My hips feel geriatric.  My hemorrhoids are atrocious.  My center of gravity is so off….I’m very ready to get my body back. 

What I am looking forward to:  Well, I’m still looking forward to maternity pictures.  Yes, the ones we were supposed to have taken 2 weeks ago.  Those didn’t happen.  Not only did the weather turn on us (we were supposed to do an outdoor shoot down by the river, but it was 41 degrees and raining), but I spent the day in a Vicodin haze.  You see, those hemorrhoids I mentioned?  Yeah….we’re talking emergency-room type pain and a visit to a colorectal surgeon and lots of awfulness.  So, no pictures.  BUT.  Wonderful Lisa Feather Photography is still willing to work out a date with us in the next few days, so….keep your fingers crossed that baby holds off just a little longer so I can get at least a couple nice shots of this magnificent belly.

Additional updates:  I alluded in an earlier answer that I was admitted to the hospital earlier this week.  On Monday, my BP readings prompted Dr. Gibbs to admit me for observation, labs, and a 24 hour urine.  By Wednesday, I was stable, but it was obvious that I needed to be on bedrest to maintain that stability.  So, I’ve been allowed to come home, but I’m pretty much on my butt.

We’ve had wonderful friends and family step up the last few days to care for Seth and Erin, and in about 48 hours, my mom will be flying in from Florida to stay for a few weeks.  (YEA!!!!!)  Without revealing too much, because there are still so many details up in the air, I can tell y’all that I have a couple more NSTs, and then an amnio, and we should be meeting our little one soon.  All along, I’ve merely wanted this guy/gal to come after Erin’s birthday and before Duncan’s, and it looks like I will get my wish.  So, this might be my last pregnancy update.  Squeeee!

What’s in a name:  We have not discussed names for this little one until the last few days, and I think both Jim and I are surprised at which have emerged as our front runners.  I’m excited to share them, after we see this little person, and see what fits.

There is one more thing about this week and my visit to the hospital that I want to share, but it’s own-post worthy, so, I’ll close for now.  I can’t wait to see if my next update has baby pictures included!

32w Update

How far along: 32w2d

Total weight gain: only 7 lbs!  I know there is no reason to celebrate that, really, and that weight gain in pregnancy is expected and healthy, but still….having had so much success using Weight Watchers Online last summer, it’s nice to know that I’m not going to have a ridiculous amount of extra work to do this summer to get the baby weight off.

General disposition:  Well, let’s see.  I had a complete and utter meltdown Easter moring when we had 10 minutes until we were supposed to leave, and my hair was wet and I hadn’t found something to wear and Jim and both kids were still in pajamas and Erin had pooped and I hadn’t had a chance to drink my (decaf) coffee and I was snapping at Jim and it just wasn’t pretty at all…. 

Not to mention that I spent my 31st week of pregnancy sicker than I’ve been in a looooong time.   We were never able to find the  source or cause, but for 6 days, I couldn’t keep anything in my system.  It was awful.  Thankfully, I was able to avoid needing a hospital IV, but it was close.  I was never so happy to get my appetite back!

So, in general, I’ve been a little bit cranky.  I’m uncomfortable and tired and eager to meet this little one, and most days, I’m okay (thank you, Prozac!), but some days….I’m not super fun to be around….just keepin’ it real!

Sleep:  I gave in and bought Unisom.  It didn’t work. =(  And made me feel all jittery.  Boo.  So, now I’m just back to not sleeping well at all.  I can’t get comfy, the baby likes to kickbox at night, and I have to pee (or at least my bladder thinks it needs to pee) all. night. long.  So….sleep.  Coming maybe in August?  I’m hopeful. 

Best moment this week: Not really pregnancy related, but, probably slicing into a wonderfully ripe watermelon (the first of the season for us) and eating pretty much the whole thing in one setting.  (Granted, it was a little watermelon – like, the size of a cantaloupe), but still….so yummy.

Movement:  S/he never stops.  Ever.  EVER.  I literally have bruises from the kicks.   

Labor Signs/Body Changes of Note:  Not really.  I have more contractions with this pregnancy than I remember from the others, but I’m attributing that to not being on bedrest.  I would imagine that still being so active brings on the contractions.  I’m had really bad leg cramps at night, sometimes, so powerful that I wake Jim with my crying (and that is saying something – he is a SOUND sleeper).  My heartburn/indigestion has been pretty intense, and, while this is embarrassing, I’ll document it here – I have had the WORST gas with this pregnancy – like, clear a city block noxious.  I’m beyond ready for that to resolve!

What I miss:  Being able to be more active with Seth and Erin.  Recently, Seth asked me to pull him and Erin in the wagon, and while I knew it was the right answer, telling him that, no, I couldn’t, until the baby came out, was still sad for me.  I also miss sleeping through the night and being able to drink coffee or eat chocolate without wanting to rip out my esophagus, but, I’ll deal. 

What I am looking forward to:  Um, Jim, this will be news to you, but….we’re having family/maternity pictures done in 2 weeks, and I am SO excited!  Lisa Feather Photography is our photog of choice, and I can’t wait to work with her…  Until then, here are a couple inspiration shots I’m looking forward to imitating:

26w update

The picture is already 10 days ago, and yes, my belly is already bigger still, but…there you have it.

How far along: 26w today

Total weight gain: Still down 3 lbs from pg starting weight.  That said, I’m up 10 lbs. from where I was a 6 weeks ago, so I guess we are going in the right direction.  I am craving mostly sweet things now (a total 180 from the first trimester) and my trademark-during-pregnancy red sauce.

General disposition:  Not too bad.  I’ll admit, weeks 23 and 24 were not good at all.  I actually had my first appointment with my Ohio Maternal Fetal specialist on the exact gestational age milestone that we learned of Duncan’s death, which was not fun.  Same drive to the same hospital, and then an ultrasound…..yeah.  It was no wonder my blood pressure was out of control that morning.  I went ahead and had Dr. G write me a script for Prozac; I’ve been off it for over a year, but…it’s time to get back on it.

Sleep:  My sleep is improving a bit, in conjunction with the nights that Erin sleeps well.  I’m still not ever really comfortable, and I get up at least once to pee, but….you just deal.  I’ve been hitting a fatigue wall about 3 pm each day, and it is all I can do to parent for that hour.  We have developed a routine of some classic Nick Jr. cartoons on DVR during momma’s afternoon date with the couch. 

Best moment this week: Hmm….pregnancy related?  Knowing my ob really knows me, and my case, and misses me when I accidentally forget to show up for my regular appointment. 

Movement:  OMG, this child.  Doesn’t like loud noises….or does, and wants to join in the fun and games.  Either way…..shhhhh, people!  S/he is a MOVER and, miraculous though it may be, I don’t love it. 

Labor Signs/Body Changes of Note:  Of course, no big surprise given the point I’m at….my blood pressure.  It’s not good.  At all.  I’ve had a 24-hr urine collection, and I’m recording my BP at home 3 times a day.  Dr. S  (the MFM) thinks we can buy several weeks on BP meds; Dr. G (my ob) agrees.  I’m not on any yet…..we shall see where things go.  Also, I took my glucose tolerance test this morning (yuck!), and have no reason to think I won’t pass, but, again, we shall see!

What I miss:  Eating without getting heartburn.  Pretty much anything, even bland things, give me heartburn now.  No fun. 

What I am looking forward to:  Finding a photographer and scheduling a maternity photo shoot. =)

20w update

How far along: 20w4d

Total weight gain: Still down 13 lbs from pg starting weight.  That said, I’m up 4 lbs. from where I was a month ago, so I guess we are going in the right direction.  Having my appetite back just in time for the holidays (and namely, my sister-in-law’s macaroons) didn’t hurt.

General disposition:  Eh, this is a toughy.  I mean, really, like I can separate the stress and business of our current circumstances from the pregnancy?  Not possible.  I’m glad to be back under the care of my beloved Dr. G and the team of MFMs at Toledo Hospital.  I’m as comfortable as I can be in these limbo weeks between “past 20” and “viable at 24.”  It isn’t the most fun month, and yes, I feel a little bit like I’m just surviving or holding my breath until 24w, but even then… Anyways.  I’m good.  Enough.

Sleep:  Again, hard to answer in light of the pregnancy alone.  I am busy all day, so I’m tired at night.  But Seth has been sick and Erin cut two teeth this past week, so my sleep has been interrupted by my older two, not the little one. 

Best moment this week: Realizing I can trigger movement with sugar!

Movement:  See previous. =)  I have not had very consistent movement much before this last week/10 days, and it’s been disconcerting, because Seth, Duncan, and Erin were all early, frequent movers.  This baby also tends to stay low and left 90% of the time; I’m feeling a little beaten up in that region. 

Labor Signs/Body Changes of Note:  I’m having a lot of discomfort with my belly button. I don’t think I mentioned that about 15w, I was told my umbilical ring is “compromised” which basically means I have a hernia at my belly button that can’t be repaired until during my c-section.  Ugh.  It’s painful.  Also, in the last week, I’ve started leaking colostrum.  Crazy!  “Normal,” but still….earlier that I’d like to worry about having nursing pads on hand.

What I miss:  Sleeping on my stomach, and bending over easily. 

What I am looking forward to:  My ultrasound on Feb. 10.  It will have been almost 2 months between scans for me, which is longer than I usually go, so I’m excited to see how much the baby has grown.

And speaking of “grown,” here is me at 20w and change….

 
For comparisons’ sake, here I am at 21w with Erin:

 
And though unposed, at 19w with Duncan:

 
And at 22w with Seth:

 
Crazy!  To look back.  To see the physical changes, but also, for me, to see, in the “hidden messages” in each photo, the changes that my journey to motherhood has done in me as a woman.

The first trimester…

I’d had pregnancy queasiness with all of  my pregnancies, including my miscarriages, but nothing was as bad as the all-day sickness that accompanied this final pregnancy.  It was BAD.  Between the nausea, the actual throwing up, the fatigue, and, unfortunately, repeatedly occurrences of bleeding, I had myself convinced by 6w that this pregnancy – like all my other “oops” conceptions would be doomed, and that we were just waiting for a premature goodbye.

I had an early ultrasound at 6.5w, which showed not one but two sacs.  Twins?  Again?  It was almost unimaginable.  I was asked to come back for an additional ultrasound at 8w, and at that point, there was only one baby, with one heartbeat.  Overwhelming relief quickly replaced any twinge of loss or sadness, as we prefer to keep my pregnancies as uncomplicated as possible.  I immediately began my folic acid/baby aspirin/Lovenox regimen, and waited…waited for the bleeding to stop.  Waited for the heartbeat to regulate (it was a crazy-high 180+ bpm at the 8w ultrasound).  Waited for the sickness to pass.  Waited for the flutters to start.

And October turned to November, and November became full of pre-plans to return to Ohio, and my days and thoughts became consumed with boxes and tape and craigslist postings and trips near and far.

And despite constant battles with my injection sites,

the days turned to weeks, and soon enough, I was cruising into the second trimester.

I’d had every intention, like with Erin’s pregnancy, of faithfully taking weekly pictures of my/the baby’s growth, but, alas, all I have of my first trimester, as far as intentional pictures is at 10w.

  
Which, is funny, because looking at this picture in hindsight, I’m completely convinced this is all bloat and not at all baby, because I don’t even look like this at my current point in my pregnancy.  Well, I’m getting there, but, still.  That up there?  Bloat, all the way.

Anyways.

There has been some back and forth between my TN ob and TN MFM offices regarding my due date, given that the baby is measuring ahead (YEA!) of where s/he was expected to be, and I have beautiful ultrasound pictures to confirm that this little one looks, at this point, just like his/her brothers and sister, but….again, lazy me.  I’m not going to take a picture of a picture at this point, and our scanner isn’t yet hooked up.  So, just take my word for it.  S/he is cute. =)  As for my due date, it is technically June 2.  I will deliver no later than 38 weeks, which, yes, do the math, is May 19 – Duncan’s birthday.  We are trusting the Lord to perfectly orchestrate the baby’s birthday (and honestly, we are expecting the baby to come well before 38w), but will also be working with Dr. G here in Ohio to have a Plan B to avoid having the baby so close to Duncan’s birthday.  I’m leaning toward May 11, personally, because it is exactly half-way between Erin and Duncan’s days, but again, it is a bridge to be crossed at a later day.

On another note, are you as sick of reading the whole s-slash-h-e mess?  (S/he, if that didn’t translate.)  Ugh.  I will admit, I mostly refer to the baby as “he” just because it is easier to have a pronoun.  The fact of the matter, however, is that, despite protests from the grandmothers (ahem, Mom), we have decided NOT to know the gender of this baby until delivery.  I’ll admit, the planner in me wants to know.  It’s hard not to know.  (Especially since I know that the information is already in my medical file; they were able to determine gender at my ultrasound on Dec. 14.)  And I can admit, I have a preference.  If I could choose, I would.  So, for that matter more than any other, we’ve (well, I….Jim, I think, could have happily gone either way on this decision) decided to wait to know whether we will welcome a third son or second daughter.

Anybody want to leave their guess?  I know what some of you think already, but I’m curious to hear what you all think.   It’s fun to wonder and speculate.  Feel free to tell me what you’re thinking/hoping for.  I’m also completely open to any name suggestions.  The middle name for a girl is fairly set, and I have a boy middle name that my heart is strongly leaning toward (but that I haven’t shared with Jim yet), so, we are very open to hear what others would suggest to us.

I’ll be back later this week with one last baby post (I think I’ll start the weekly updates like I’ve done in the past) and belly picture.

To be continued…

The beginning…

If you’re thorough, you may have taken our announcement that we have Baby 4 joining our family in May to deduce that I’m between 20 and 24 weeks pregnant.  Or maybe you just read it and didn’t do the math (I wouldn’t have).  But, considering that this, my final pregnancy, is already past the half-way mark (I’m 20w3d), I figured it was about time to fill y’all in on some of the details of this pregnancy.

I do have some posts that I was writing all along that I have back posted, and you can find them all here.  But, if you want a general “reader’s digest” summary, here you go.

Over the summer, Jim and I began to discuss the possibility of another pregnancy.  I can’t remember (and I’m too lazy to research back posts) if I divulged here on the blog that we spent most of Erin’s pregnancy thinking that I would have a tubal ligation during her c-section, only to find out in April (2010) that I would be unable to undergo the procedure at the time and place of her birth.  We considered other sterilization options later that year, but found that we weren’t at peace about the permanence of it, so…we opted to forego something drastic and continue our (very limited) option of non-hormonal birth control.  Ahem.  Which was working for us.

When we knew that we would most likely be traveling overseas at some point in the summer of 2012, we began to consider other birth control options.  I had discussed an IUD with my obgyn – an option I previously thought was not viable for me given my inability to use hormonal birth control methods.  She educated me otherwise, however, and we decided that if I were to have an IUD placed for at least 12 months, that I would be a candidate.  This decision was made in late August 2012, and we proceeded with the insurance preapproval paperwork.

There are a couple “chapters” of the story that I’ll skip for now, only because they are worthy of their own blog post(s), but let’s fast forward to the end of September.  I received notice from my doctor office that we’d been 100% approved for the Mirena, and that I was to schedule my surgery appointment for during my next menstrual cycle.

Which, if you’re paying attention at all, you’ll realize NEVER CAME.

On September 28, completely on a whim, and only because I’d tossed my cookies while cleaning up a mess from Erin, I ducked out of choir practice to purchase a dollar store pregnancy test.

And after I put Seth and Erin to bed, while Jim was away at a company dinner function, I did what I’ve done a dozen times before…

I watched two lines appear.

I had planned to spill the whole story thus far in this one post, but it is already long, so I’ll close for now, with promises to get you all up to speed in the coming days.  But I’ll end by saying that as surprised – no, shocked, really – as we were to learn of this baby-to-be, we could not be more eager and excited to meet this little person.  As much as I’m trying to relish each moment of this pregnancy, knowing that this time for SURE it is my last, I fight the urge to will May here more quickly.  I can’t wait to welcome this little person into our hearts and home.

To be continued….

Tis the season...

For changes, that is.

As of this morning, Jim's ZIP code went 500 miles north (and the rest of ours will follow suit in a couple weeks).  New job, new house, new opportunities, all wrapped up in the security and familiarity of our original hometown, with much of our family nearby,

Equally news-worthy and life changing...

Our Christmas cards were signed,

Love, Jim, Monica, Seth, and Erin ..... and our final addition, due May 2012.

=)

More on both bits of news in the weeks to come...things have been crazy around here for a solid month, and, obviously, the blog has taken to the back burner.

First craving

Oh, heaven help me, I'd probably kill for a french bread pizza right this minute.

Lovenox woes

These injections are not going so well this time around.

It's like as soon as I start to move past one hematoma, another shot goes awry, and yet another monster bruise takes its place.

Worth it?  Yes.

Painful?  Even more of a resounding yes.

Another Lovenox journey embarks

6w3d

This morning, I had my first ob consult appointment with Dr. Morgan's office, with Dr. Blake's nurse, Amy, and I loved her.  She wasn't phased by the 5 gallon bag of used needles that I brought in for (long overdue) disposal.  She wasn't phased by my chart that is easily 4 inches thick.  She wasn't phased when I told her I wanted an ultrasound, and that I wanted it today.  She made it happen.

1 flu shot, 3 prescriptions, and 8 vials of drawn blood later, I was in a darkened exam room saying hello to my tiniest child-to-be...a beautiful little bean of an embryo, with a teeny heart beating away at 144 beats a minute, measuring right where (s)he should be.

I have the reassurance I needed to enjoy my getaway to LA this weekend.  I also have a new ziplock bag ready to be filled with used Lovenox syringes.

You're worth it, little one.  You are worth each and every of the 235 shots I will do between now and your birthday.

Family Tree

I'm pretty sure the person most surprised with the news of this pregnancy was my father-in-law.  I've not seen much phase him, but the news that a fourth Gregory baby would be making his debut this spring left him a little speechless.

It was fun to tell Jim's parents.  Moreso, because I think they realize that this new baby plants in our hearts even more firmly that we want to be closer to family, sooner than later.  We're trusting the Lord to provide the right opportunities at the right times to facilitate that, and He is most definitely at work.

In the meantime, I'm just doing my part, growing my little branch of the family tree.....

Surprise!

Each time Jim and I have been blessed with a pregnancy we were neither trying for nor expecting, we've had to say goodbye to that baby (or, 3 years ago, those babies, plural) too soon.

Please, God, let this time be different.

We weren't expecting you.  We weren't planning on you....yet.  But we are already so in love with you, bebe quatro.  How 'bout you stick around for the long haul?