Monday, May 10, 2010

Friday, May 15, 2009

For the introduction to this series, click here.

I was all set to go.  Bags were packed and ready to be loaded into the car: mine and Seth’s right away that morning, and Jim’s later that day.

The plan was for Seth and I to leave Nashville and drive to Louisville, KY, to visit with my friend Daina and her twin boys, Ari and Greg.  When Jim would get off work that afternoon, he would drive up to Louisville, and pick Seth and I up, and we’d continue on to Ohio, leaving my car at Daina’s until we made our return trip the following weekend.

And wouldn’t you know it?  Complex as it was, our plan went off without a hitch.

Seth and I had an uneventful trip to Daina’s.  We even got there early enough that  I was still in coffee mode, and Daina brewed me a yummy cappuccino.  We visited, in spite of Seth climbing all over the baby paraphernalia and said Ari and Greg being a smidge cranky.

We broke for a McDonald’s run around 12:30 – a quarter pounder for Daina and a 10-piece nugget meal for Seth and me to share.  I remember sitting in the drive-thru, debating Coca-Cola or Sprite?  Coke or Sprite?  I went with Coke.

Daina’s husband Jeff arrived home from work early enough that we got to spend some time visiting before Jim arrived.  Holding one of the twins, while I held the other, and Daina prepared dinner bottles, and Seth ran underfoot, Jeff began to chuckle.

I’m going to laugh my *** off when you get to do this [meaning handle an infant and toddler] all over again in August.”

I didn’t think it was funny, and told him as much.  It was no secret to Daina and Jeff that I was still getting used to the idea of this unplanned pregnancy.

Jeff,” I told him, “if I could undo this, I would.”

*****************************

Several hours later, as Jim and I drove northeast towards Ohio, we decided to detour to Carrollton, KY.  We stopped at Burger King to change Seth and get him into his pajamas, and to grab dinner.

I casually mentioned to Jim as we ordered that I couldn’t remember feeing the baby move much that day – even after my caffeinated Coke at lunch – and that he should probably buy me a strawberry milkshake – you know, to wake up Itty Bitty.

Around 11:00 PM, when we stopped for gas and Mt. Dew at our usual exit between Cincinnati and Dayton, I mentioned again to Jim that I still wasn’t feeling much movement, and we brushed it off as Itty Bitty’s way of killing time on the boring drive up I-75; after all, if I hadn’t agreed to help keep Jim awake, I would have just gone to sleep, too.

Jim and I talked about everything and nothing as we completed the last leg of the journey home – our future plans to adopt, what we might name our second son (not Sawyer; sorry, Jen), the never ending sell-the-truck-to-get-an-SUV debate, the itinerary for our week in Toledo.

The last 150 miles fell away under the tires of the F250, and we pulled into the driveway just as the first raindrops of the early morning began to fall.

We settled Seth into his crib in the back bedroom, and collapsed into our own bed at precisely 1:00 AM (which had been our goal all along).  I knew Jim would drift off to sleep almost immediately, but as the thunder began to boom and lighting flashes sent shadows bouncing across the sheet under which Itty Bitty rested, I turned to my husband…

Jim….I still haven’t felt the baby.”

He didn’t respond, and I didn’t repeat.  It was easier to let the silence speak for us both.

To be continued

16 comments:

crystal theresa said...

oh monica, you write so beautifully. my heart is aching with you as you recount and relive Duncan's story.

Sara said...

You're doing great, Mon. I know this is so painful for you. *hugs* Love you, girl!

NoVaIrish said...

((huge hugs))

Amy Valentine said...

Thanks for sharing the first part of Duncan's story, Monica.

Kelly said...

(((hugs)))

Angela said...

I am sitting here eating my ham and cheese sandwich with a huge lump in my throat. Thank you for sharing Duncan's story with us.

Valerie said...

I'm thinking about you and sending you big hugs.

Mary @ Giving Up On Perfect said...

Ohhhh. I have no words. There for a moment, I had no breath. Amazing that you can write this so beautifully...

Brooke said...

As I read this I am reminded that it is always better to go to the hospital even if they L&D nurses think I'm nuts (or now, the ER nurses).

Thank you for sharing your story.

Jenn said...

So beautifully written. What a tribute you're making for your little man. Thanks for letting us into your heart and get a glimpse of what you've been through.

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

So glad you are sharing Duncan's story...however heart-wrenching it has been for you to write it...and for those who love you to read it. My heart is with you, every step of this journey, dear friend...

Such a beautiful post...thank you.

Love to you...

Hillary @ The Other Mama said...

As much as I know this story and love you to pieces, it tears me up all over again to read it. Thank you, though, for honoring him this way. It means a lot to your friends, family and I know it will mean a lot to your beautiful children someday.
xoxo,

Anonymous said...

Monica, You are a brave and courageous woman. Thank you for sharing the story of Duncan. It honors him and hopefully will bring you peace.

The Carrs, said...

I remember reading a long time ago a question you asked. You wanted to know if someone had ever had a loss such as yours, one that hadn't taken place as a first pregnancy but as a 2nd or 3rd. I sadly take my place next to you. Yes, I have. Just one week ago I delivered my son, Elioenai Matthew Carr. At only 18 weeks gestation he is now gone from my womb and in the arms of Jesus. A hard valley to walk through, that is for sure. So thankful for the Lord.

Jared and Kate said...

You are a wonderful writer and I am honored to get to read Duncan's story. Thank you for sharing your heart and baby.

Holly said...

Thank you so much for sharing his story.