Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Sometimes….

Sometimes, it’s like it never happened.

Sometimes, it’s like it was yesterday.

I’ve been having a lot of “yesterday” days.

Every few months, I go back and read his story in its entirety.  I don’t know if reliving it is a help or hindrance, but either way, I’m accepting it as just another step in the process of grief that is, surprisingly, still ongoing.

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Can I confess something?

I know I’ve said before that I write for me.  Not necessarily for you, and not necessarily to get comments (though, duh, validation is, well, validating).

But when I return to the series of posts dedicated to him at his first birthday, and I realize only 33 people commented….it hurts my feelings.

Not so much because it’s a reflection of my writing.  I know in my heart that those posts are probably some of the best prose I will ever pen.

But because my mommy-heart feels that the recognition given is symbolic of the value of his life to others.  And therefore, the lack of recognition (as measured by posted comments) equals little value.

True or not, remember, I’m a mommy here.   To think that only 33 people were moved enough by his life to tell me so in the comments…..well, it hurts.

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aug - nonna visit 020

You haven’t forgotten him, have you?  Erin didn’t take his place.  Please tell me that from time to time, you think of him, too….

33 comments:

Sara said...

We think of him often, Mon. Duncan will never be forgotten or replaced. I was (finally) putting our TN pics that Jessie took into an album yesterday & it broke my heart a little when I came to the pictures of you & me & our children knowing that one little guy was missing.
Don't measure his impact in your life, or even in this world, based on the typed-comments of others. Some people just don't know what to say or feel that they don't have enough experience, compassion, whatever it is they feel they are missing, to comment on such a sensitive subject.
We love you & we love Duncan! *hugs*

Anonymous said...

I remember him and think of your family often x

Fiona
(Scotland)

gottaluvboyz said...

(((hugs))) Monica...I still think of Duncan and pray for you often.

As always, in her words of wisdom, I believe Sara said it best...sometimes people simply don't know what to say.

Prayers today and always...

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

Definitely have not forgotten your sweet Duncan. Your story was told beautifully...and he has precious, immeasurable value.

Bless your sweet mama heart. And, thank you for reminding us how precious every life is...and how precious your sweet Duncan is...

Love to you...

Tricia said...

Duncan is definitely not forgotten, Monica. I really appreciated that you shared his story with us. His precious life touched my heart, and the hearts of many others, I have no doubt.

Anonymous said...

This post breaks my heart. I never comment. In fact, I think this might be the first time ever, but I love your writing and have "known" you and been following your blog since the knot days!

I still think of him every time I read a post of yours. Every time you talk about Seth and Erin and what they're up to I think how hard it must be not to think to yourself what Duncan would be up to as well. I know that sometimes I don't know what to say and when something is so tragic — so unimaginable — that I am afraid anything I say will unintentionally be hurtful or seem trite or wrong. I am so afraid to say the wrong thing, so I say nothing.

I am sure there are tons of people out there reading that just don't know what to say and are afraid to say the wrong thing. I haven't forgotten.

Ellie said...

I do, Monica. I think of him. I look at his picture on the right sidebar every single time I come to this site.

Anonymous said...

I came across your blog, and Duncan's story, a few months ago. My heart ached for you and I was deeply touched by your words. I have checked your blog DAILY ever since. Thank you for sharing with us.

Trisha Larson said...

Monica-

I haven't been reading much lately because...to be honest...it is hard for me to see the beautiful baby that God blessed you with after Duncan. Whenever I see "The Writer Chic", I think...DUNCAN'S MOMMY. That's who you are to me. It's just my own issues of not being able to get pregnant again after Nate that prevents me from giving you more support. For that I am sorry. I am working on it.


I do know what you mean by not wanting your child to be forgotten. I feel the same way. I want the world to know that I'm Nate's mommy too!

Hugs,
Trisha

The Fabulous Ms. Beth said...

I was moved then and am still moved now. :)
Duncan will never be forgotten.

mandie lane said...

Oh, sweetie. Duncan lives on in the hearts of so many. I promise you that. xoxo.

Heether said...

While I don't have the words of wisdom that many others have offered, I wanted you to know that Duncan is NOT, nor will he ever be, forgotten. ((hugs))

Jeanette said...

We certainly haven't forgotten your precious Duncan. :) I have been thinking about him a lot since my nephew Jack passed away last week - what Duncan would be doing right now, what milestones he would have accomplished, what brotherly mischief he would be getting into with Seth, and so on.
Lots of hugs and love from Oregon! - Jeanette

Anonymous said...

Monica, don't know how I happened upon your blog months and months ago. I'm old enough to be your mother. I've never lost a child but the way you write from your heart brought me to tears the first time I "met" Duncan. I think of him every time I read of your love for Seth and Erin. Duncan WAS loved and IS loved and will be remembered. Along with Seth and Erin, Duncan has made you the woman/mother you are today.

The Blatchford Family said...

Everytime I hear the name Duncan I think of him and remember your family. He was very special, touched many many people, and can never be replaced. Big hugs!

Jenn said...

I think Sara said it best. I can't say I know how you feel, but my heart goes out to you, and my prayers go up for you. I cannot imagine what you've been through over the past few years. So many times I've wanted to write something, but I haven't. I don't write as eloquently as you, and sometimes I wonder if what I really think will come out right. Sometimes other people have already said such good things that are worded so perfectly that my thoughts will sound copied or a bunch of mumbo-jumbo.

I always thought of you like a little sister, and our lives just went in different directions. Duncan shares my son's birthday, and I want to remember him. I love the picture of the tile that you posted on your blog. I printed the picture so I'd have a copy. You and your dad have always been special to me. Duncan will always be special, too.

Amy said...

Monica, Duncan will always be a part of who you are and therefore a part of all we love about you. Though he is apart from us for now, he is never forgotten. Forgive me for not checking your blog daily like I did for so many months. Life..... Love you! Don't ever forget you were my Josh's first love. :)

Kelly said...

Oh Monica, I just want to reach through the screen and give you the biggest (((hugs))). Duncan will never be forgotten, in more minds than comments will ever show.

I don't think I ever told you this, but one day when I was shopping the after-Christmas sales, I found myself standing in Hallmark before the Willow Tree angels with tears in my eyes, thinking of Duncan. I should have told you, but I didn't want to make you sad.

Thinking of you all tonight (((hugs))).

MommaHarms said...

you don't know me, but your story has touched my life and thus Duncan has touched my life.

Jessica said...

duncan isn't forgotten. (((hugs)))

Sara said...

Oh, I know how you feel. I often feel people think Payton took Samuel's place and that is just not the case.

Of course Duncan is remembered! I don't "know" you but I have been reading your blog for some time. Long before Erin was born. When I read your blog, I think of all three of your beatiful babies!

Courtney said...

I totally got this post. I went through something very similar and I dont know how many times those same thoughts go through my head.

grief is a crazy thing that some people dont understand but realize that we do remember and on the hard days we know our little angels are helping us.

phasejumper said...

Haven't forgotten. Thinking of all of you...

Gabriel and Penelope's Mama said...

Monica, your sweet little boy could never be replaced or forgotten. I think of him and you and his story and his sister and brother often. I promise. Duncan will be loved forever.
xo
Rach

Wendy said...

Been there. Still there. We recently lost another baby in the 2nd trimester as well....this time a little girl.... once a mommy to a baby always a mommy to them. Whether here on earth or up in Heaven, they're still our babies and will never be forgotten. Sending a hug your way!

Brooke said...

I was just thinking of him and you the other day.

This year, my MOM forgot the fire. That hurt!

Sarah said...

Yes, he is thought of...often.

PS. yes, we need to get together!

Holly said...

I will tell you that whenever I come to your blog (and other times too!) I think of him. Always.

Kristin (kekis) said...

Duncan will never be forgotten. He appears in the heart and eyes of you, Jim, Seth, and Erin every day. That is something that will never, ever go away.

Renee said...

I am not one who comments often, though I have a few times before...there isn't a time I read your blog that I don't think of Duncan. I think of him every single time. Our oldest is Seth's age and we have a one year old as well now. After having 2 miscarriages myself, I can't see ever forgetting a baby who has been lost. Prayers for continued healing and peace for all of you.

Angela said...

Oh, Monica, I'm so sorry. For all of it. For the horrible experience you had to go through in losing Duncan, and for your feelings being hurt b/c of the lack of comments. I absolutely was riveted by every post, and my heart just broke for you. He is and always will be your son. And you are such a wonderful mom.

Tiffany said...

I still remember (and probably will never forget) the day I read Duncan's story on your blog. I was in the computer lab at school with tears streaming down my face as I read and saw the grief and the beauty in the story. Now every time I visit the blog I think of Duncan, every time I see his tree in the back yard at church, and every time I hear the song Blessed be Your Name. I feel like I got a huge glimpse of what you guys experience (and continue to experience) but of course will never know the half of it. But I do thank you for letting your readers in on such a time as that. It is a joy to watch Erin and Seth grow up... Duncan is never far from many people's thoughts. Blessings.

Val said...

Sara said it best, so I will just ditto her sentiments. I think of you and your family - including Duncan - often.

Big hugs, Mon.