Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Walk with me, won’t you?

I vowed several weeks ago to take more time for me – to read, to write, to get out of mommy mode and find a piece of me.

Well, I did it.  It’s 9:06 PM, Tuesday night, and I made it to the corner Biggby’s with a list of topics and themes and posts to draft.  And just minutes after taking the first sip of my decaf mocha, I thought, “Who am I kidding?  I’m not gonna write. I am SO TIRED.”

James has a horrific cold, and I did the momma bock-and-rounce, ahem,rock-and-bounce (see, I told you I’m tired) for hours last night, and hours today.  The thought of getting any coherent words from brain to fingers to Writer was a wee bit daunting.

But then I started reading some of the linked posts to Kelly’s Walking With You re-debut, and I found myself commenting, and realized that some of these mommy’s would more than likely pop over to see who this Writer Chic gal was, and, well, why not give them something of a relevant post when they get here?  (Hi, by the way.)

(For those of you who are wondering where in the world this is going, here is a brief explanation: My friend Kelly, who runs Sufficient Grace Ministries, is hosting a post series for the next 6 weeks for mothers who have lost a child/children. Kelly says, “Whether you are a seasoned mom who has walked this path of grief for years, or a mother newly thrust into this unknown valley, I hope you will join in and add your thoughts. One of the goals for WWY is for women to find hope in the knowledge that they are not walking this path alone. It helps to read about the experiences of others. We hope many of you will post on these subjects on your blogs each week with us…and come back to add your post to the linky on the weekly posts here. You can also share your thoughts in the comments of the weekly posts. And, hopefully, many of you will take time to leave an encouraging comment to the blogs linked each week.”)

Okay, here goes topic #1: Intro, and Where I am Now.

I’m Monica.  32. Married to Jim for 7+ years.  SAHM to Seth (5), Erin (2), and James (7 months).

Perfect little family, right?

Some days, yes.

But my family isn’t without its empty chairs…..

Our first pregnancy was over before it started.  Or almost that quickly.  Literally, the miscarriage started before the nurse could call back with my (pathetic) beta count.

Our second pregnancy was complicated from the get-go, but gave us our incredible Seth James.

Our third pregnancy ended with a traumatic one-two punch behind the billowy curtains of an ER and the sterile confines of an ultrasound room.  From hemorrhaging in my bathroom, to delivering one baby in the ER, to being shocked with the news of a second baby during an ultrasound, to the subsequent D&C…. October 19, 2008 was not the best day, to say the least.

Our fourth pregnancy…oh, our sweet, unexpected, and yes, I’ll admit, unwanted, surprise.  Duncan Thomas…Your story is by far, my favorite chapter of this blog.  You’ve been gone three years now.  How is that possible?

Our fifth pregnancy gave us our rainbow, and our daughter.  Erin Elizabeth.  The piece of the puzzle that started the healing.

Our sixth pregnancy was another “blip.”  And I don’t mean that to be insensitive.  But like our first, it was over before it began.  A positive hpt, but goodbyes before I could even call my ob.

And seventh.  Perfect seven.  Final.  And also a surprise.  Born on the scared anniversary of his big brother’s birth, James Ethan redeemed May 19, and became my beloved third son.

So, there is the intro.  My back story.

As for where I am now?  Well, specifically NOW, I’m getting kicked out of the coffee shop.  So….where I am today….that will have to wait.

But thank you for stopping by (if you’re new), or for hanging around (if you’re not)…..


Jennifer Ross said...

I enjoyed reading your post... it kept me on my toes. :) You have been blessed many times over, and have experienced loss many times over.... That can be extremely hard at times, but I have to tell you, I admire your positive attitude, charm and love. <3 Thanks for keeping me on my toes. I look forward to your next post!

Lori said...

Well look at what a small, small world we live in, no?

Gracious. My heart hurts thinking of all the aching yours does. Not that we compare of course, but I often find myself grateful my pain is not the pain of others.

Grateful for the sweet blessings that give healing and joy into your life, but always cognizant, as you said, that there are always pieces missing.
xoxoxo Look forward to this 'walk' with you.

Kyla said...

Welcome to the Walk! Thank you for sharing and I look forward to walking with you <3

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

Hello, Ms. Monica, my beautiful, writer chic friend. Love you. Grateful you are walking with us. Love that you are getting kicked out of coffee shops and sharing your momma heart in the midst of it all. Love that you paused for a moment to write these sacred pieces of your heart. You are a beautiful mother...to all your babies. I do believe Duncan is my favorite part of your bloggy-story as well. His story touched my heart and life profoundly...and your sharing of it...well, if you don't me saying...it's your best work, momma. But, you know that. The hardest stuff often is...the best work of our lives...the most sacred and precious albeit stripping and painful...but beautiful. That's where the best beauty grows...you know, when we're stripped naked in the pit of despair.

Clinging to the hem of His garment. Clinging to grace. Clinging for the next ragged breath.

Anyway, enough listening to me wax poetic with the words. Too many words. You're beautiful. Your babies are beautiful...and I'm grateful to be your friend. To know you. To know them. And, grateful you are walking with us...in whatever capacity you come...and from whatever venue.

Love you.

Holly said...

Hi Monica, glad to see you post with the series. And I'm not quite sure why I never noticed much before but when you wrote it out here it hit me that our children are all the same ages. Kyndra is 5, Carleigh would be 3, Lainey is 2, and Evanee is 6 mos. I just thought that was neat. Always glad to come here and think of Duncan.

Jenn @Treasuring Lifes Blessings said...

Thank you so much for sharing your bittersweet story. I share a similarity with you in that my rainbow baby was born on her big brother's 1st birthday. It's something how God intertwines the sorrow with the joy. Looking forward to learning more about you on WWY!

Karin said...

I look forward to reading more of your story. I can empathize with miscarrying at home...that's how my first pregnancy ended at 17 weeks, and then my second, with a D&C, but they were months apart.

Kayla Yow said...

First off, I am so very sorry for your losses! Thank you for sharing your story, and I can't wait to read more as we walk this journey together!

Elena's Echoes said...

Thank you, Monica, for sharing your story. My sweet Elena also has a May birthday (the 23rd). I look forward to walking with you.