Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Feelings

This is how I'm feeling today:

 

Deflated. The sun is shining behind me, but I can't help but note the dark skies ahead.

It's coming home from a party to find a text from my mother that reads, "Grandpa in congestive heart failure.  In ICU.  Will keep you posted."

It's Duncan.  Today is the 14th.  The 14th was the last day that I know that I know that I know I felt him kick.  Tomorrow is the 15th, and the 15th marks the day that I KNEW.  I just knew.

It's Seth.  It's his recent obsession with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and his new "I'm gonna kill you with [insert whatever weapon du jour]" vocabulary.  It's the age, I guess.  But it's so dang hard.

It's James.  And the final days of his babyhood slipping away..... ***sob***  It's that only 4 of the 12 families that RSVPed "yes" to his birthday party actually came, and, yep, here come my insecurities of "I, and now we, don't matter."  Blergh.

It's Tiffany, and her ankle, and my inability to fix it.  It's also watching her meet people and make new friends...and it's unavoidable that there be some who have lacking social skills, and inadvertently confuse her and upset me.

It's a recent break-in around the corner in our subdivision, and the feelings of helplessness that stirs up.  And the reminder that sometimes it is just stuff.  And sometimes, it is SO MUCH MORE.

It's the stupid scale, and numbers that are going the wrong direction despite healthy choices and only minor cheats (with leftover gluten and dairy free smash cake, no less!).

It's May.  And yes, while May means birthday celebrations and Mother's Day and Memorial Day ushering in summer....for me, it's MAY and the connotation is too great to even voice.

I want to come back and do justice to Erin and her third birthday, and of course James' and his wonderful celebration and just his first, amazing year, in general.  Yet....I'm in my quiet place, and I think, like each year, it just needs to run its course and play out how it will play out.

3 comments:

mandie lane said...

Oh, my lovely friend. So much love and so many prayers coming your way. I know today is hard. (And so many other days, too, with our big boys doing big boy things.....) I'm with you, in spirit, and my thoughts are with sweet Duncan too. xoxo

Anonymous said...

I wish I could have been there. You, and all those you love, deserve unending support...thinking of you in the coming days...

Emily said...

May seems like an awfully heavy month for you, so all the feelings make sense. I hope you're feeling better soon.

Also, the "I'm gonna kill you"/"I make you dead" stuff drives me crazy. This phase is so fun.

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