Friday, November 14, 2008


I'm home alone (Seth is partying at Grammie and Grandpa's), waiting for Jim to get back, packing and cleaning.

I just finished tackling the linen closet, and I found a box of pregnancy tests. It was a buy one, get two free special (whoo hoo!)
One test is missing. It was the test I took in September, when I just "knew" I was pregnant. You know, the test that was negative.

Maybe this is why:

It feels like I've been sucker-punched. The "what if" is overwhelming at the moment.

What if I'd checked the box?

What if I'd taken a "good" test?

What if a good test would have been positive, and I'd have called Dr. Gibbs at week 5?

Daina, Mandie, Val -- tell me it wouldn't have mattered. Tell me that I couldn't have prevented it. Because as the weeks come really close to one month, I can't help but ache and hurt and wonder, still, if I was just too stressed, too busy, too preoccupied.

Or maybe my body just wasn't ready....

But still.

Anyway, the tests are in the garbage.


(Mom, if you're reading this, don't worry, I'm fine. I just had to vent for a second, you know?)

Okay, back to discovering just how many bars of Irish Spring really are hiding in the closet. Gotta love bulk buying at Costco... ;)


Kendra said...

I am not one of the people you listed to answer your question, but I am gonna anyways.
It would not have mattered.
It simply would not have.
I know this for several reasons.
One, all the books say so =)
Two, my doctor told me 114 times
Three, I just don't believe God would put that much pressure on us. I don't believe He would expect that much from someone who He has enlisted to help with His miracle. "Help" being the key word there. We only have so much control...
Your brain probably already knows this. I am sure it is your "Momma's heart" that is wondering what you could have done...
I am praying for peace tonight.
May God give you assurance.

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

I am also not one of the people you listed to answer your question. But, as a mother who has wrestled with such questions in the wee hours of the night when the waves of doubt, grief, and regret rush in...I feel compelled to answer. Our God is Sovereign. Our God reigns. He holds our very next breath. He knows the beginning from the end. He is our Creator, our Refuge, our Savior, our Redeemer, our Friend, our Lord, and our King. He numbers our days and knows our thoughts before we think them...our words before we speak them. We can rest securely in Him. Nothing that happens in our lives goes unnoticed to the One who numbers our days...the One whose thoughts toward us are more than the grains of sand on the beaches...whose same thoughts for us are for "good and not for harm, for a future and a hope". He decides when a life begins and He decides when a life ends. This responsibility does not rest on your shoulders. The One who carries you is the same One who carried your little ones home. In our sorrow, we all are plagued with "What ifs?". But my prayer for you is that His peace will wash away the "what ifs", and that you will feel secure in His arms...knowing that He is on the throne and nothing happens in your life without first passing through His hands. May you find comfort in the depth of His love for you, and hope in the promises He has for your life. May you rest in the sufficient grace He offers you for this day.

In His Grace,
Kelly Gerken

Sara said...

Sweetie, there's nothing you could have done. *hugs* stupid expiration dates anyways. God had His plan for whatever reason.

amy (metz) walker said...

I have to agree with Kendra...and the others. That had NOTHING to do with you!

Mrs. Frogster said...

WOn't even begin to say that I know how you feel or what you're going through because I can't. So instead I am sending you some cyber space hugs and praying for whatever it is you need MOST at this time.