Friday, March 20, 2009

In the trenches

So, hi.

We're here.

It's been a lovely week of spring weather, except for Wednesday, who had an attitude and threw a 40-degree day in the mix. So, lots of time out in the sun, at the park, walking around the neighborhood.

No news on the baby front. I have an ob appointment on Tuesday morning. Having some thoughts and concerns (don't worry, Mom, or anyone else) that I hope will prompt Dr. Morgan to order an ultrasound, but I'm not holding my breath.

Seth is at this very moment screaming at me and pounding on his crib rails, and I'm crying right along with him. Since we got back from our trip to Ohio, combined with Daylight Savings Time I think, we have been having major sleep issues, both at nap time, and at bed time. Namely that he doesn't want to. Sleep. EVER.

I feel horrible for letting him cry in his room, but I KNOW that he needs to rest -- he played hard at MOPS this morning. And to be honest, I need a little down time of my own.

Daina has been telling me for weeks that I'm not really "dealing with" all the changes that I've undergone in the last several weeks -- well, really, since the move. To which I've argued that "dealing with it" is exactly what I've been doing.

But as I sat at MOPS this morning and fought back tears the whole time, I realized that maybe I'm not "dealing" with things well.

I tried to ask a question about how to talk to your spouse about differences in parenting without it seeming like you're fronting a strategic attack, and, whoa, did I get some pretty intense responses. Talk about feeling attacked. And as I sat there and listened to these women offer their "advice" and "two cents," all I kept thinking was "this is not how this conversation would be going if I were having it with Sara" (Seth's former babysitter and my mommy hero).

She would have understood exactly where I was coming from. She would have known exactly what to say, too, and how to say it. And knowing that just brought to the surface all of the other emotions I've been tamping down.

I'm homesick. I'm lonely. I'm longing for real relationships. I feel really, really overwhelmed with parenting a toddler, while feeling like the calendar is already racing towards August when a newborn will be added to the mix.

I don't think it will surprise anyone to hear me say that this current pregnancy was unplanned and unexpected. But maybe it'll surprise you to know that I still feel, four months into it, that IF I could turn back time, and IF I could control what happened, that I would choose to postpone this pregnancy, oh, about a year.

Does that mean I don't want this baby? No, so get off your high horse and stop judging me for what I just said. I'm just being honest. With boxes that are still unpacked, papers to be filed that are literally spilling to the floor, artwork yet to be hung, laundry piling up into unmanageable heaps, this pregnancy just feels like another thing on a never-ending list of things to be "dealt with." And I hate that! Could I sound any less maternal?

This is why I'm so eager to have another ultrasound, to know the gender, to choose a name and a nursery color scheme, to give a personality and a place to this little person who is coming whether or not I feel ready/capable/competent enough.

And I'm realizing as I run out of steam that this post is very much all over the place.

So, if you're reading, and have some piece of advice or "I've been there" story.....can I just ask that you not share it? Not right now, anyway. I'm just feeling really fragile, and I'm afraid that I'll take anything left in the comments too personally, or too negatively, or too something.

So, let's just leave it at "thank you for reading" and if you want, I could sure use your prayers. I know that this is just a season, and it will pass, but right now, in the trenches, it kinda sucks, and I kind of want out.


Anonymous said...

I just sat down and read your blog, what is going on? Pick up the phone and call. Most of what you are feeling is hormones. Take it from your mother I am there just at a different level. As far as are you ready for a newborn and a toddler, there is no turning back now. It is hard with a new house, new church, new support system or no support system, new baby on the way and a husband with a new career. You can do this,talk to Jim he is great and he will understand and if he doesn't at least you have expressed your feelings. These are all normal. I wish I was there for you but I am only a phone call away. Do yoiu want to come for a visit? Love know you can. Love Mom and Greg

Jana said...

I don't remember how I stumbled across your blog, but I did and now I am going to comment for the first time!
Being the parent of a toddler is a tough job. Then when you add pregnancy hormones on top of it, it can be unbearable at times. People love to offer advice and judge others when they really don't have a clue about what is going on. As a mommy, you have to do what is right for you and your family at the time. Even if there are days the best you can do is survive the day, then that is the best you can do. There will be another day. Lean on your husband and your family. They don't want you to hurt. It is okay to feel what you are feeling. As far as letting your son cry in his room, that is okay. I have to do the same thing with my daughter. Sometimes she will cry for 30 minutes, but eventually, she goes to sleep. I hate to offer advice~ I will just offer support. You are doing the best you can do and that is good enough!

Sara said...

I love you & will be praying for you. *hugs* Don't forget I have a phone & I don't care what is going on in my house, I will always make time to talk to you.

Sarah said...

Praying for you friend, as you have been so faithful to pray for me.

PS. What time on Tuesday? I go in at 10:30. I'd love for you to meet my little girl and give you a hug!

phasejumper said...

Love you Monica.

Jessie Weaver said...

I feel you, sweetie. I hate to tell you but we lived here at least 3 years before I felt like I had any real friends, and it is just maddening. I would honestly love to come over, let the kiddos play, and help you with some of these things! I know how hard it is to be pregnant and I can't imagine going through that right now along with everything else.

I hope you can do lunch sometime this week so we can blab. It was so awesome to meet you at Blissdom and I feel like we connected.

And I live in fear every day that I will be pregnant again before Libbie is 1!!!!

Christy said...

Hey there Monica,

It's been too long. I haven't read through you whole post yet. I have to leave to go get the boys from baseball practice. I just didn't want to leave without making a comment. I will finish reading when I get back. I'm going to pray for you on my way to get them.

I am also going to be sending you an email:)


Mrs. Frogster said...

hugs*smiles*prayers. Jeanette

Kendra said...

Thank you for your sweet card sweet friend!!!!!!!
You are so thoughtful =)

No words of advice here, just know I'm thinkin' about you and will be praying for you...and that's no small thing!!

Angela said...

I know you don't know me from Eve (LOL), but I live in Chattanooga with my husband and two sons. If you're ever up for a road trip, you're welcome to come down here with Seth for a playdate. I'm dead serious.


mandie lane said...

Oh, sweetie. Just lots of hugs.

lalalady said...

I don't judge you at all. I wish I had read this the day you posted it. I hope you're OK, and I'm looking forward to your update after Tuesday. I'm sending you tons of mental hugs. Tons and tons. Hang in there!! You are doing WAY better than you think. Everything is going to be OK. Just acknowledging all these feeling is really really healthy and gets it out on "paper" and out of your head.[[[hugs]]]!!! D. :)

Anonymous said...

Monica, I wish I could be there to help you get through this. It is your hormones. You do a great job with Seth. You can get all the advise you can get, but you just have to go with your heart and trust God. I know somewhat of what you are going through. I know what it is like to be so far away and no family close by. You, Jim, Seth & itty bitty are in our prayers. Hugs & Kisses. Love Mom & Dad John

Hillary @ The Other Mama said...

You are going to do a great job, my friend. I know it's a huge mish mash of emotions, but just take it day by day with prayer. God knows what He's doing. We are all along for the ride! And please come down for a visit so I can lend you some maternity clothes! I would love to see you and catch up anytime!!

Valerie said...

See - you should have moved to Pittsburgh. I'd have made sure you weren't lonely.

Hang in there. I can only imagine how difficult it is to pick up and move to a state where you don't really know anyone. Just remember though, you've got lots of friends - so there's no reason to feel alone!