Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Three Months

I had so much that I wanted to say this month – month being “number three,” not necessarily “month of August.”

But, as it has the habit of doing, life got in the way of the post I wanted to write.

Here I sit, three months since Duncan left the safe haven of my womb.   One week and one day away from the scheduled date of my second c-section.  August – a month full of watching friend after friend after friend give birth to healthy 7, 8, and 9 lb. babies. (They are all cute, by the way, and I love them.)

But I’m still taken aback by the number of heartbreaking reminders in this third month:

~ Asking Jim if he wants caffeinated or decaffeinated Pepsi with dinner, just to discover that there is still only case after case of decaffeinated soda in the pantry.

~ Pulling back the blanket on a friend’s newborn to admire his tiny toes, only to find him wearing the exact same onesie I purchased to bring Duncan home in.  (It was the one thing I wasn’t able to bring myself to return to Gymboree.)

~ Needing to buy a fresh box of tampons instead of nursing pads.

Copy of 101_9077

Dearest Duncan,

Little one, Mommy’s heart is so heavy tonight, for reasons that you already know.  I’m jealous that you are enjoying the wonders of heaven while I’m stuck down here dealing with…well, The Mess.

I have to admit, I’m glad that you are not here to see the chaos.  There is a lot of confusion and fear and sadness in our family right now, huh?  I’m glad that I’m not about to birth you into the craziness.  Daddy and Setheroni need all the attention and love that I have right now.

So, even though I haven’t been able to devote to you the time I wanted in this, your third month, please know that I think of you every day.  I am so glad that  God chose me to be your mommy.  I am so glad that I got to carry you next to my heart for the six months that I did.  I am so glad that I will see you again some day.

Sweet boy, I miss you.

Mommy

On a coordinating tangent…

I know that so many out in blogland  are awaiting the release of Selah’s new album You Deliver Me (only 5 more days!).  Of course, one of the most powerful  songs on the album is undoubtedly I Will Carry You (Audrey’s Song).  If you aren’t familiar with Angie, Todd, and Audrey’s story (first of all, how is that possible?!), go here – that will take you to Angie’s blog posts from April 2008 (the days leading up to and following the birth and homegoing of her fourth daughter).

Anyways – the personal video of Angie and her family that I’ve included below is a loving picture of the heart of a mother who says hello only to say goodbye.

11 comments:

Holly said...

Hearing that song always makes me cry. A sweet letter to little Duncan. (((hugs)))

Stacy D said...

Isaac's slideshow is to that same song, but the boy version. Angie was kind enough to send it up to our NILMDTS photographer for him to use. We're playing it Friday at Isaac's Golf Tournament, and I know I will be a wretched mess. For any parent who has lost a child, the words of that song just pull so heavy on your heart.

Praying for you guys always, Mon... I know the missing is so hard.

~ Stacy

phasejumper said...

Thinking of you...

Valerie said...

My heart is breaking for you and for Audrey's parents after reading your post and seeing that slide show. I cannot imagine the pain and heartache your families feel. Thinking of you always and sending prayers.

Val

Sara said...

My love & prayers to you always, Mon. *hugs*

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Praying for you sweet friend...that song is so perfect...so beautiful. Love Angie's beautiful heart (and Selah's too!). My heart is aching with you as I read your letter to precious Duncan.

Much love to you...

Jeanette said...

love you, my friend, and am thinking of you often, knowing it has been a difficult few months for you. I hope you can find something today that makes you smile.
Hugs, Jeanette

Kelly said...

That was powerful and beautiful. I am in tears. Thinking of you (((hugs)))

Heidi said...

Your letter to sweet Duncan brings tears to my eyes knowing that you are going through so much pain. My prayers are with you. My my arms reach through the computer screen and wrap them around you for it seems like you need one at this very moment.

Kim said...

My heart just breaks for you! You are so deep in my thoughts and prayers!

Kendra said...

Praying for you....