Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Either my Prozac needs to be upped, or I just had a really bad case of the “Mondays”

I know Tuesday is my usual Baby Girl status report, but since I don’t see Dr. Morgan until Thursday, I figured I’d postpone it until I actually had something worthwhile to report.

Instead, I’m going to be very indulgent (to steal a quickly-becoming-overused phrase of Idol judge Simon Cowell), and just vent about how lousy my Monday was.  Sometimes, as petty as it seems, just getting it out of my head and down on paper can help me move on.

12:11 (just past midnight): give up trying to fall asleep in my own bed, and stumble to the couch in an attempt to get comfortable.

1:04ish: doze off in a fitful sleep

2:34: awake, startled, and flee to the bathroom, where I lose the contents of my stomach in a very yucky, violent manner.  Down a couple TUMS, pat BG in reassurance that she, too, wouldn’t be yanked up my esophagus, and collapse back onto the couch.

6:08: stumble back into bed when Jim leaves for work; toss and turn

6:30: hit the snooze button

6:38: hit the snooze button again

7:00 – 7:22: enjoy a slight reprieve in the terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad morning to feed, snuggle with, and see off Seth

8:20: fall back asleep, and dream of boys from high school. (Jed, Joel – if there is any chance you’re reading this…..hi.)

12:01: wake up, feeling worse than before.  Marvel in horror that it is NOON and realize that I am NEVER going to be able to fall asleep tonight.

12:32: head to the local tire repair store, where Jim assured me that it would be “simple and cheap” to repair the nail puncture in my right rear tire.

2:28: tire repair guy comes into waiting room (where both my bladder and my back were protesting the 2-hour stint in a plastic chair) to tell me he can’t fix my tire.  He motions me to follow him to the garage so he can show me exactly why (as if I’ll understand any of it).  Long story short: he can’t fix the tire; he won’t put the tire back on my car; I either have to use the spare or buy a new tire.  All I’m able to translate is: what a waste of time!

3:18: see on Facebook that a friend is expecting her fourth baby.  Happy for her…but…..oh, hello, Jealousy.  I see you’ve brought your companion Bitter along this time.  Rather than reiterate, here is what I posted to my online gal pals:

A friend just announced she is expecting #4 on FB.

I'm jealous.

It's not fair.

I've been pregnant 5 times with 6 babies, and will have 2 to show for it.

I am over the moon grateful for Seth, for Duncan, and for this little one I'm carrying. Wanting "more" feels selfish, but yet....

I'm sad that I'll never again post "another little one is on the way...."

I'm sad that the decision to stop the growth of our family has been taken from my hands.

I'm sad that I have to feel resentful of people who I genuinely care for, just because they are blessed with uncomplicated fertility.

I hate that I think I need to up my Prozac dosage, because I hate being on it in the first place.

I hate that my fertility and inability to healthily carry a baby to term has shaped so much of who I am and how I think and how I respond to the world around me -- especially given this baby-making stage-of-life that we are in.

3:21: unclog the half-bath toilet. I’ll spare you the details of that one.

3:23: spill an entire bottle of Blueberry Pomegranate Gatorade all over the counter, the dishwasher, the cabinets, me, and my shoes.

4:10: rip the elastic bra out of my favorite yellow pajama top while trying to pull it over my growing torso.  Grr.

7:19: Seth smeared the remnants of a brownie on the cream upholstery of my dining room chairs.

8:49: Bachelor Jake let Tenley go, and proceeded to propose to Vienna.  Ew.  (Seriously?)

11:45: Jim got called back to work.  Yes.  At almost midnight.  Sigh.


Sara said...

I think I'm bringing a big fat chocolate cake with me. *BIGHUGS* I wish I was there in person to hug you & vent with you. I'm sorry your Monday sucked so bad. :(

Anonymous said...

Oh no!! You spoiled the ending of the Bachelor for me!!!!!!!!

Cindi said...

Wow, that really WAS some kind of day.
I hope your Tuesday goes better....

7 pregnancies for me: 3 babies.

And then Ahna. Looking back on in it all, God was painting a beautiful picture... but I sure couldn't see it at the time.

Thanks for your transparency.

Melody said...

Today has GOT to be better : )

Mary @ Giving Up On Perfect said...

Yuck! Sometimes a Monday is just a Monday, isn't it? I hope Tuesday is MUCH better!!! :)

Hillary @ The Other Mama said...

Monday stunk and I am so sorry.
I hope you sleep, don't puke, get more cuddles and hugs and less reality TV today.
Unless you decide to be indulgent and watch Idol... because I'll be doing that.
Love you bunches!

Jenn said...

I thought my Monday was bad, but I'll take mine over yours. Sorry it was so rotten and hope it doesn't happen again. The rest of the week has to be better, doesn't it? BTW, glad you feel you can vent to all of us. We do care! Love ya!

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, Seth I will be there to the rescue or maybe Monica. I can't wait for my visit. Little over then a week. Hope there is no snow.Love from St. Augustine

Anonymous said...

Sorry your Monday was so bad.. hoping Tuesday was better.. .I know exactly what you mean re pregnant friends. Me: 5 pregnancies..1 sweet 5 year old boy. A girl at work just had her first baby girl (she announced she was pregnant right after I lost my baby girl at 20 weeks in June).. she came back to work yesterdday and wow.. I thought I was over it and the jealousy was past but nope... it was very difficult. Of course, it didn't help that our daughter was named Ella and hers is named Aniella, who she calls Ella for short. Ouch. This too will pass. Oh, and I highly recommend the Bissell Little Green Steam Machine for stains.. as the mom of a busy boy, with light tan couches, it has worked wonders!

Kelly said...

I hope today is a better day!

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

Hang in there girlie! Praying for you...

Elizabeth said...

Holy canoli-that's a stinky day. Thanks for commenting on my kooky blog. Pregnancy is wacky--I'll pray for you and I mean it. Also too, I can't believe the Bach. chose the not nice one. But what do I know, I stunk at dating...anywho, hope your pregnancy gets better or you just make it through;)

Mrs KS said...

"I'm sad that I have to feel resentful of people who I genuinely care for, just because they are blessed with uncomplicated fertility."

I have a lot of trouble with this one too. ((((Hugs))))