Friday, March 19, 2010

Ten months

This is not a “comfortable” time of year for me.  Spring is slowly coming to our area.  65-degree days are mixing with 40-degree days.  Brave daffodils are poking through mulch and soil in need of tilling.  Warm rays of sun spill through the trees onto our deck.

Our deck, that overlooks our wooded lot.  Our lot, that afforded someone the opportunity and privacy to violate our home.  Our home, that for the month of April 2009, felt cold and disorganized and cluttered and upside down.


And I thought April was the upside down month?

April brought police reports and ambulance rides and cold sores and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Prozac and elevated blood pressure, and then I blinked….

…and it was May 19th.

May 19th, upside down got redefined.

Upside down became so much more than an empty safe, a broken door, a stolen identity.

Upside down became an empty womb, a broken heart, a stolen innocence.

I hate that this time of year takes me back to a really dark, really sad time in my life.  Because right now I feel that Duncan’s story – the chapter of my life where he is front and center – is drawing to a close.  Not that his presence will vanish…..but if I’m being honest….time is shifting.

A baby is coming.

A (God-willing) living, breathing, crying, pooping, gurgling baby that will take center stage, for a time, in our home.  A baby that will become my most recent-born, shifting Duncan into his eternal role as our middle child.

Is this making any sense to anyone other than me?

I guess it doesn’t need to.

I know in my heart where I’m at; what I’m feeling; how I’ve healed; and how, at times, I’m still grieving, even if I can’t articulate it.

Apple Jack,

You’re getting a sister for your birthday.  Is that okay?  (Say yes, ‘cause I can’t do anything to change that.)

You hold a special place in my heart; in Daddy’s, too, though he doesn’t say much.  You are our son.  Our second-born.  Our fighter, then and always.

Change is coming, and I know to many, it’ll look one way, when in fact, it’s not.  I know you don’t need Mommy to defend it, but….well, that’s just how I’m made.  You would’ve learned that.  (I tend to overcomplicate things.)  Please just know that your place is secure.

I love you.



Sara said...

Duncan is forever your child & you are forever his mother, Mon. You don't need to explain that to anyone. I'm so sorry that you have so much pain. Love & prayers, my dear. *hugs*

Valerie said...

Big hugs, Mon. The people that matter do understand. Hope you'll always remember that.

Holly said...

It makes complete sense to me. Thinking of your Duncan today.

lalalady said...

I don't know about anyone else, but this all made PERFECT sense to me. You have an amazing way with your words that always leaves me with goosebumps, and I'm sending you lots of love and hugs during this month and next. Miss you, D :)

Kelly said...

Completely understandable. Well, to me anyway. I'm not sure "Anonymous", above, got it.

amy (metz) walker said...

Hugs and love right now...I can't imagine what it would be like to be in your place right now! It's always hard when one chapter ends and another begins, but I know that Duncan will forever be a precious part of your life and he was lucky to have you as his mother! I'm so sorry you have had to bear the burden of this journey, but I applaud and admire your strength, friend.

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

Makes perfect sense to's amazing how a season can sweep so many feelings with it as the winds of change blow.

Love and continued prayers...

Jennifer said...

I think that's part of life..the dichotomy of being happy and sad at the same time. We tend to think those emotions can't exist together.. it has to be one or the other, right? But in truth, life is much richer, much more complex. It's natural to still feel Duncan's loss at the same time of much excitement and joy. It's natural to move past the loss... you can't grieve in the same way or same intensity forever. And you have much to look forward to with Baby Girl... your feelings are your own, and whatever they are they are perfectly right and perfectly yours. Baby Girl won't take Duncan's place. And she won't take away the loss. But it's okay if she softens it. It's okay if your mind and your heart and your hands are so busy in the coming months that you don't ruminate on your loss. Life carries on.. beautifully.