This is not a “comfortable” time of year for me. Spring is slowly coming to our area. 65-degree days are mixing with 40-degree days. Brave daffodils are poking through mulch and soil in need of tilling. Warm rays of sun spill through the trees onto our deck.
Our deck, that overlooks our wooded lot. Our lot, that afforded someone the opportunity and privacy to violate our home. Our home, that for the month of April 2009, felt cold and disorganized and cluttered and upside down.
And I thought April was the upside down month?
April brought police reports and ambulance rides and cold sores and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Prozac and elevated blood pressure, and then I blinked….
…and it was May 19th.
May 19th, upside down got redefined.
Upside down became so much more than an empty safe, a broken door, a stolen identity.
Upside down became an empty womb, a broken heart, a stolen innocence.
I hate that this time of year takes me back to a really dark, really sad time in my life. Because right now I feel that Duncan’s story – the chapter of my life where he is front and center – is drawing to a close. Not that his presence will vanish…..but if I’m being honest….time is shifting.
A baby is coming.
A (God-willing) living, breathing, crying, pooping, gurgling baby that will take center stage, for a time, in our home. A baby that will become my most recent-born, shifting Duncan into his eternal role as our middle child.
Is this making any sense to anyone other than me?
I guess it doesn’t need to.
I know in my heart where I’m at; what I’m feeling; how I’ve healed; and how, at times, I’m still grieving, even if I can’t articulate it.
You’re getting a sister for your birthday. Is that okay? (Say yes, ‘cause I can’t do anything to change that.)
You hold a special place in my heart; in Daddy’s, too, though he doesn’t say much. You are our son. Our second-born. Our fighter, then and always.
Change is coming, and I know to many, it’ll look one way, when in fact, it’s not. I know you don’t need Mommy to defend it, but….well, that’s just how I’m made. You would’ve learned that. (I tend to overcomplicate things.) Please just know that your place is secure.
I love you.