Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Five Months

This memorial post is about a week “overdue.”  I was really struck by some heavy-hitting emotions last week as the fifth-month mark of Duncan’s birth and death came and went, and it’s been a little hard to put my feelings into bloggable words.

As some of you may or may not know, with the passing of Duncan’s August due date, coupled with his tree planting, many prayers, many more tears, and lots of conversations with each other and those whose opinions we trust, Jim and I decided to stop preventing a new pregnancy.

With that conscious decision came a lot of unexpected (and some expected) emotions and excitements and fears.  Was it too soon?  What if it happened right away?  What if it didn’t happen for a while?  What if the next baby was another boy?  What if it was a girl?  Would I be scared each day of my pregnancy?  Would I enjoy any of it?

Obviously, the majority of those questions have yet to be answered.

But how does this all relate to Duncan?

I just don’t want to forget him.  And at times, I feel like I am.

A few weeks ago, I was at a home party, and they were playing this little ice-breaker game before the presentation where a gift bag was passed from woman to woman as different “identifying” statements were made: give the gift to the one who came the farthest; to the one who has the longest hair; to the newest mom.

And wouldn’t you know it?  The presenter said that “newest mom” thing, and I looked around the room waiting for someone to reach for the bag.  And they were all staring back at me.  And I said:

Well, yeah…..I guess….if you count Duncan.”

Seriously?  Those words from my mouth?  Had someone else said them, I’d most likely have clocked her.  But in my heart of hearts, I sincerely wasn’t thinking of Duncan while the phrase “new mom” hung in the air.

And I still don’t really know where to put that.

So, my five month post is going to fall a little short.  Because I’m in a new place.  Not necessarily a bad place.  Just new, and unfamiliar.  And I didn’t want another day to go by before acknowledging the passing of another month of Duncan’s life.

Because although I may not bring him to mind, on demand, in any particular given moment, not a day goes by that I don’t think of him, and miss him, and wish he were here.

11 comments:

Valerie said...

We all remember with you, and we're sending our prayers to you. Love & hugs, Val

The Fifth Street Mama said...

Monica
I just wish I could reach through the screen and take away all of the hurt and guilt that you have. But i can't so a few words of prayer and a big hug through blog land will have to do. Seem totally inadequate though.

Anonymous said...

I LOVE YOU!

Dad-e

Holly said...

You're right when you say a day doesn't go by. I hate those awkward moments when you're not sure how to respond. Happy 5 month birthday to Duncan!

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

As I read this post, I am reminded of all the times when I said I just had two children, and countless other moments that didn't seem to have a "place to put". My heart aches with you...and you are most certainly in my prayers, dear friend...

Remembering always...

Kelly said...

(((hugs)))

The Fabulous Ms. Beth said...

I find myself feeling the same sort of guilt when people ask me if Katie is my first child, and I say "yes"..
or when I have to say, "technically speaking, she's my second child."
It doesn't get any easier.. it still sucks..
Sorry you had to go through that situation.. hugs to you as you remember Duncan.

Hillary @ The Other Mama said...

Love you bunches. And know that no one "took" it that way. I'm sure they all knew what you meant and hopefully what you were feeling.
HUGS

mandie lane said...

Oh, honey. I gasped a little reading this one. NOT because you did anything wrong or what you said was bad, but because I can imagine how conflicted you must have felt after that moment. I struggle a lot with calling Bumblebee "#2". She is ... sort of ... but she's sort of #4. However, in our average social interactions, that explanation is long and troubling to some and just doesn't "fit". I've had to remind myself that answering people with "yes, this is our second baby" doesn't discount Turkey Baby or Grover ... they know my heart and my love for them. Just as Duncan knows his mommy's love, too.

Lots of love, M.

fragments said...

"And I still don’t really know where to put that." is a statement that I can relate, too.

Thinking of you. ((hugs))

Rachel said...

Your honesty is beautiful and compelling. That you can share these things is a gift; thank you.

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