Maybe it’s because I only got three hours of sleep last night.
Maybe it’s because Seth is hell bent on breaking down his bedroom door when he should be sleeping.
Maybe it’s because I’m just so over the storylines on The Young and the Restless.
But I’m pretty certain that what what pushed me over the edge today was the third comment that a reader came back to leave on Sunday’s post.
Seriously. I get it. You’re a fan. Good for you.
But do you really think that it’s constructive or beneficial to take a post that I wrote about why You’re Not Shaken is speaking to me and continuously use it to shamelessly promote the artist? The post was NOT ABOUT HIM. It was about me, and my son, and where I’m at in my faith right now.
So, please. Do not come back and leave any more links or comments or opinions about how great you think the artist in question is, okay?
I have always been able to survive – crazed toddler underfoot or not – on just a couple hours of sleep, but for some reason, Seth’s middle-of-the-night playdate from Tuesday is kicking my butt today, and it has my brain so skewed that I’m in the midst of a pretty happenin’ pity party.
So bear with me, as I dump all the “woe is me feelings” into this blog post in an attempt to get them out of my system and not heap them all on top of Jim’s head when he walks through the door. (After all, he’ll be carrying my Quizno’s salad, so I wouldn’t want to startle him or anything.)
Ready? Let’s go.
1) the “p.han.” I’ve already addressed that.
2) the midnight play date. I can’t even begin to describe how frustrated this made me. Now, I know for all my mommy friends who haven’t been blessed with a great sleeper like Seth, you’re thinking “oh, get over it. It’s one night.” And you’re right. But you have to understand that when you have a child who has slept 12+ hours a night since they were an infant, on the rare nights when they DO wake – it’s horrendous trying to get them back to sleep because (a) they truly believe it’s time to get up, and (b) you as the parent don’t have practiced coping mechanism, so you’re totally at a loss as to what to do.
Even as I crawled back into bed after each trip into Seth’s room, I was plagued with thoughts of how the next day would be: if he is awake for three hours now, will he sleep in for three hours? wake up at 8 am as usual, and then take multiple naps? not nap at all, and wear his exhausted mommy into the ground? (If you’re wondering, he’s going with option 3 – no nap and driving me to tears.)
3) Until Jim sent me the following text message, he was in the dog house with me (I’ll explain why in a minute). But getting the offer of takeout for dinner in connection with this message helped:
RAWR -- means “I love you” in dinosaur! rawr, rawr, rawr, rawr
Good thing for him that was clever and cute, because I had decided I was mad at him. I was frustrated that he seems to be able to sleep through Seth’s crying – even when Seth is specifically crying for Jim – in the night; I felt slighted that he either doesn’t like or hasn’t noticed the little additions I’ve made to our home in the last couple days (separate post and pictures to come); I couldn’t remember if he thanked me/commented on the fact that I’ve made homemade dinner (including baking bread) the last two nights, and since I couldn’t remember, it was easier to assume he hadn’t.
I know, not really fair, right? I know. But I’m human. And probably hormonal. And it probably didn’t help that (I’m pretty sure that) I forgot to take my blood pressure medication and my Prozac yesterday. Oops.
4) Jim and I were going to take a last minute trip to Pensacola this weekend and into the beginning of next week to visit some friends and to get away while Jim is off work. Unfortunately, that ended up not working out for our hostesses. Which is fine, because they are coming up here to visit in mid-August. Which would be great …. if we were going to be here that weekend. But we’re not. Because we’re going to be in Ohio for the annual salmon fishing trip. The fishing trip that isn’t supposed to be in August, but rather, in September. But we moved it up because I was supposed to be having a baby.
But now, I’m not having a baby; turns out, the fishing trip was moved up for no reason; and it now interrupts a visit I will desperately need; and what that all translates to is that it is all messed up and not the way I want it.
I want Duncan. I want to still be healthily pregnant. I want to be able to hang around my online chat room with my best girls without feeling horrible jealous because they are getting pregnant. I want to be ANYWHERE else on Friday than the maternal fetal medicine specialist’s office getting Duncan’s pathology report. I want the hydrocortisone cream I put on the bug bite on the back of my thigh to start working against the itch. I want to have unlimited funds to jet off to Maryland, and Texas, and Oregon, and Ohio whenever I want just to hang out with my girlfriends.
I want a lot of things that seem really out of reach right now.
And I want to find a clever way to wrap up this post, but I’m too tired.
Mon, I love you...or should I say, "rawr." *BIG HUGS* I'm so sorry & PLEASE...if you want to chat my ear off, you know where I am. Any time, sweetie. And that trip in August that you don't want to be here for? You & I need to make some girl time plans! I wish I could make it all better. :(
I wish I had unlimited funds too!! I would come see you in a heartbeat!
I am so sorry about those who don't get it. It is so hard isn't it? Especially when you are pouring yourself into your posts and being vulnerable.
It's all such a roller coaster, and an exhausting one at that.
Still prayiing like crazy for you guys... call any time you want to chat :)
(HUGS) & That text message is pretty sweet. :)
I'm so sorry for your loss and all you're having to deal with right now. Praying for you!
Praying still, hon...
RAWR! You are so funny!
I would like to go beat up the PHAN. HAHA! I think there is an option to delete comments, right??
Ya, I've never really understood the adoring fan mentality. I appreciate and admire what people do but that's as far as I go.
Lack of sleep tends to make you focus on FEELINGs rather than FACTS. I know. I've been there.
Anyway, after some sleep you should be able to count your blessings again.
You have nothing to apologize for. I didn't even read the post you are referring to, but these are my thoughts.
1. You were/are tired. Not just physically either - emotionally as well.
2. It is your blog - you get to say whatever you want to say. That is just my opinion.
3. You are dealing with a tremendous loss. It affects every single aspect of your life.
4. You miss your son. Period.
I pray for you and I think of you often. I wish I had boatloads of $$ - I would fly you to see your friends!
I've been a lurker here for a while--but wanted to send "hugs". You're in the trenches right now and it's okay to feel what you do! I understand the middle of the night thing--I have a super sleeper for a son, as well, so it totally knocks me down when he gets up in the middle of the night. Hoping for better sleep for you tonight!
Wow. I think she embodies the meaning of the word "clueless." I guess she thought that her first paragraph was enough to soften the blow of her obviously ill-placed advertising.
Wonder if she'll get a Google alert about this one?
Sending you lots of prayers and hugs!
Monica, this will be the last time I will post, but I will answer in my own defense, as I have had to do in reply to an e-mail I received. I was trying to be of help with what I posted about "You're Not Shaken," figuring that you could enjoy it any time you wanted if you knew you could. I was not trying to overshadow in any way your challenges. I have my own. One of them is raising and home educating my youngest child, who is developmentally delayed and mildly autistic. Another one is dealing with a lower income than usual, which makes it hard to repair the house and take care of other things because my dear husband of 24 years has become unemployed due to the economy.
Sorry for coming across as anything but supportive and understanding. You will not hear from me again. May you and your readers continually feel God's presence as you walk through this life.
I want you to have unlimited funds too. I want you to be sitting on my couch right now next to me, watching a chick flick and eating ice cream (dark chocolate for you, milk chocolate for me).
Oh, and I am so sorry to hear about your trip not working out =(. I just read your email a little bit ago that mentioned it and I was so excited for you...=(. I am praying God has something BETTER in mind for you this weekend!
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