Friday, July 17, 2009

I’m the little engine that couldn’t

I’m running out of steam, y’all.

I just realized that I have posted almost every day since Duncan was born, give or take one or two days in May when blogging fell by the wayside because there was either too little or too much to say.

That’s a lot of writing about a whole bunch of something, and a fair helping of nothing, too.

But as I sit here tonight, in my inlaw’s kitchen, listening to the sounds of Ohio summer filtering through the open window, I realize how dry I am, inside.

I’m feeling spent.   Empty.  There are times in the day when the emotions threaten to spill out, the words rise to my tongue in a torrent, and the thoughts escape from my mind in such rapid motion, you’d think I’d have an abundance of things to talk about.  To write about.

But I don’t.  Not really.

Maybe it’s in more of a “but Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart” kind of way.  Maybe it’s the knowledge (or fear) that you all are as sick of hearing the thoughts bouncing around between my ears as I am.  Maybe it’s because I’m less than thrilled with the continuous chronicling or what seems so trivial and mundane, when in reality?  You’d fall off your chair in shock if you knew what was going on behind the scenes in my life right now.

I have so many things that are weighing on my heart that it feels uncomfortable to keep them to myself.  And yet I feel that this is exactly what I must do.  And if you know me, you know that this is very out of character for me.  I’ve always been an open book.  Maybe some would call me an over-sharer, but I think it just makes life so much easier if the people around me are on the same page as me and know where I’m coming from.

(on a completely random and totally stream-of-consciousness wavelength, I highly recommend Crunch ‘n Munch Chocolate and Caramel Popcorn with Peanuts.  God bless my mother-in-law for always having the best snacks stashed away.)

See?

Seriously?  I’m making you read about caramel corn?  What has this blog come to?

I guess what triggered this post is that I’ve lost two “followers” this week.  “Followers” being people that I know “subscribed” to read my blog regularly.  I’m trying not to take it personally.  After all, I’ve done my share of un-following as I’ve made my way around the blogosphere.  But it has made me wonder – why?  Was I boring?  Too morose?  Too chipper?  To pointless?

I dunno.

All I can say is that I’ve never been anyone on this blog than just me.

And right now me feels a little quiet.

So, if you notice a pattern emerging, and you think, “hmm…I wonder if Monica is okay,” know that I am, for the most part, but that I’m just in a valley right now.

So, pray for me.  Stick with me – if only for the random post filled with Seth’s uber-cuteness.  Please don’t go (too far) away.

23 comments:

Brooke said...

I know where you are. And I'm stuck in that valley too. We will both get through this.

Brooke said...

And... since I signed up as a follower a couple of weeks ago you've gotten 5 more, so that has to say something!

Stacy D said...

Still here, still praying

Sara said...

Some people, sadly enough, just join when there is "drama" to share. They want in on it. They want a front row seat. *shrug* Don't worry about them. They're the ones missing out. I'll give you a shout later today. I'm gonna need adult conversation after the last day at VBS! ACK! Talk soon! Love you!

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Still here...still praying...not going anywhere! You know, I always take it personally when someone "unfollows me" too. And, I know it's silly. After all, I don't even know them. But, it always bothers me, and leaves me wondering why, too. Just keep being you. You, my dear are just fine...just as you are. Lovely even. And you haven't been "too" anything.

Continuing to pray for you...hoping your visit to Ohio is a blessing.

Sarah said...

Not going anywhere--will always be here.

I understand.

mandie lane said...

You're stuck with me, M. xoxo

Jeanette "Frogster" said...

haha not dropping off the radar any time soon here either :)

Jared and Kate said...

I don't think I actually signed up as a follower yet--I'm going to after writing this comment! Please keep writing, I love reading your blog!

The O'Neils said...

Not leaving you...but don't leave me either! :)

E said...

I'm still here, and I am not going anywhere!

Jenny said...

I'm still here checking in on you. You offer me a light to get through the darkness right now.

Kelly said...

I find nothing trivial or boring in your blog, ever! I think you are a wonderful writer, and always look forward to new posts. We all want to know that you're ok, and be there for you when you aren't. (((hugs))) And if anyone isn't a follower, then it's their loss.
[how do you sign up to be a follower? I'm new to this blog thing!]

Newt said...

I'm still here, too. Try not to take the unfollowing personally--it's almost certainly something random. Sometimes people switch from following you on Blogger to following you on Google Reader, or something like that. Write about whatever you want--I'll keep reading.

Angela said...

I'm so sorry things are so hard right now. I have always loved your writing and your personality, ever since I found your blog a long time ago. LOL--I say "a long time," but in the bloggy world, it was maybe a year. I can't remember. But just hang in there!! You're doing great, and you're allowed to be down.

VanderbiltWife said...

I've lost 3 subscribers in the last 3 days if it makes you feel any better. :) I figure it's just people who were "test driving" the blog and it didn't work for them. Don't let your confidence rest there. Post as much or as little as you need to.

And take lots of bubble baths if you can.

Beth said...

I follow you through GoogleReader.....and I'm not going anywhere!! Praying for you always
nestie: ourlittlebean

Valerie said...

Couldn't get rid of me if you tried!

If you need some help out of that valley, I'll be glad to pull you out.

Jenn said...

I'm here and not going anywhere. Praying for you!

The Niemeyer Nest said...

Monica - I love your blog! Still hope to meet you now that I am in Nashville.

Anonymous said...

I'm not going anywhere!! I have laughed with you, cried with you, prayed with you and prayed for you. I love your blog and look forward to each one you post!! Xoxox

Michelle said...

well, i just lost a follower on mine, too. So it happens to all of us!

Henninger Family said...

I love that you get upset about followers dropping - I feel the same way about followers and facebook friends. Then I sit and try to figure out who is was - it bothers me for days!!

~Kimberly

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