I am by no means a diehard American Idol fan. In fact, I don’t know that I saw an episode until Season 3. But I have watched it enough over the last several years to tell you who all the top Idols are, and who I wish had won, and who I just plain didn’t like.
Phil Stacey was one of the latter. I think he was Season 6. His voice was decent enough, I guess, but I didn’t like his look, and I didn’t like his attitude. I thought he was arrogant and cocky, and I wasn’t at all sad to see him go.
Well, sure. I’ll take some salt on this crow that I’m eating.
I still can’t say that I care for his look (some people can do the whole shaved head thing; some can’t), and I don’t know if his attitude has changed to my liking, but I have to tell you…..
I LOVE his first single.
It’s titled You’re Not Shaken, and every time I hear it, I think, “Yes. THIS.”
This is what my heart is crying. This is what I’m feeling. This – my soul put to music.
I am sinking in the river that is raging,
I am drowning.
Will I ever rise to breathe again?
I wanna know why;
I just wanna understand.
Will I ever know why?
How could this be from Your hand?
When every little thing that I dream of being
just slips away like water through my hands,
And when it seems the walls from my beliefs come crashing down
like they’re all made of sand…
I won’t let go of You now because I know
Oh, You’re not shaken.
I am trembling in the darkness of my own fear.
All the questions with no answers
so grip me while I’m here.
And I may never know why;
Oh, I may not understand.
But I will lift up my eyes, and trust this is Your plan
I know You’re in the valley of the shadow of death
You’re not shaken, You’re not shaken
I bolded the phrases that speak loudest to me.
Even though I KNOW that God doesn’t make mistakes, I can still admit that I hate that He chose me to bear the burden of losing a child. It doesn’t feel good, at all. I selfishly want only the “God is good” side right now, and not the “God is right” side.
The only aspiration I’ve ever really, truly had is to be a mother to a whole passel of kids. I have vocal talent, but have no desire to record. I can write, but outside of this blog, I don’t care to ever publish another word. I don’t want to climb Everest; I don’t even care if I ever go to Hawaii. I just want to be a mommy to a house full of children. Am I saying that Seth isn’t enough? No, not exactly. But I’m admitting that I never wanted to mother an only child. I really, really, really want to give Seth the sibling relationships that Jim and I didn’t have growing up. That is my dream, and it feels like it is slipping away.
And, well, the valley of the shadow of death. I get now – I mean, really GET IT – that it is not just the “valley of death” but it’s the “valley of the shadow of death.” Because even once you are out of the immediate “death” part – the days of Duncan’s delivery, and planning for his end, and the funeral, and the visits – then comes the shadow. Each day, even seven weeks out, is still touched by his presence, and moreso, by his absence.
So, even though I still don’t love Phil Stacey, I have to give him props for his new single. It’s ministering to me right now in an unexpected way. I’ve linked to his song below; maybe you need to be ministered to, too.
Click the link below to be taken to his song: