Sunday, July 5, 2009

You’re Not Shaken

I am by no means a diehard American Idol fan.  In fact, I don’t know that I saw an episode until Season 3.  But I have watched it enough over the last several years to tell you who all the top Idols are, and who I wish had won, and who I just plain didn’t like.

Phil Stacey was one of the latter.  I think he was Season 6.  His voice was decent enough, I guess, but I didn’t like his look, and I didn’t like his attitude.  I thought he was arrogant and cocky, and I wasn’t at all sad to see him go.

Well, sure.  I’ll take some salt on this crow that I’m eating.

I still can’t say that I care for his look (some people can do the whole shaved head thing; some can’t), and I don’t know if his attitude has changed to my liking, but I have to tell you…..

I LOVE his first single.

It’s titled You’re Not Shaken, and every time I hear it, I think, “Yes.  THIS.”

This is what my heart is crying.  This is what I’m feeling.  This – my soul put to music.

I am sinking in the river that is raging,
I am drowning.
Will I ever rise to breathe again?
I wanna know why;
I just wanna understand.
Will I ever know why?
How could this be from Your hand?

When every little thing that I dream of being
just slips away like water through my hands,
And when it seems the walls from my beliefs come crashing down
like they’re all made of sand…
I won’t let go of You now because I know
Oh, You’re not shaken.

I am trembling in the darkness of my own fear.
All the questions with no answers
so grip me while I’m here.
And I may never know why;
Oh, I may not understand.
But I will lift up my eyes, and trust this is Your plan

I know You’re in the valley of the shadow of death
You’re not shaken, You’re not shaken

I bolded the phrases that speak loudest to me.

Even though I KNOW that God doesn’t make mistakes, I can still admit that I hate that He chose me to bear the burden of losing a child.  It doesn’t feel good, at all.  I selfishly want only the “God is good” side right now, and not the “God is right” side.

The only aspiration I’ve ever really, truly had is to be a mother to a whole passel of kids.  I have vocal talent, but have no desire to record.  I can write, but outside of this blog, I don’t care to ever publish another word.  I don’t want to climb Everest; I don’t even care if I ever go to Hawaii.  I just want to be a mommy to a house full of children.  Am I saying that Seth isn’t enough?  No, not exactly.  But I’m admitting that I never wanted to mother an only child.  I really, really, really want to give Seth the sibling relationships that Jim and I didn’t have growing up.  That is my dream, and it feels like it is slipping away.

And, well, the valley of the shadow of death.  I get now – I mean, really GET IT – that it is not just the “valley of death” but it’s the “valley of the shadow of death.”  Because even once you are out of the immediate “death” part – the days of Duncan’s delivery, and planning for his end, and the funeral, and the visits – then comes the shadow.  Each day, even seven weeks out, is still touched by his presence, and moreso, by his absence.

So, even though I still don’t love Phil Stacey, I have to give him props for his new single.  It’s ministering to me right now in an unexpected way.  I’ve linked to his song below; maybe you need to be ministered to, too.

Click the link below to be taken to his song:


Sara said...

What a powerful, beautiful song. *hugs*

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

I couldn't pull up the song...but the words you shared from it are amazing and miraculously describe the place of new grief. What comfort we have, knowing that our God is not shaken, even when our world seems turned upside down. Thank you for sharing what is on your heart so beautifully.

Praying here,

P.S. For the record, I was never a Phil Stacey fan either. =)

Amanda said...

Thank you for sharing this tonight, I really needed to hear it. 15 months after Gavin's birth I still ask why every day. I want you to have hope that this road does get a little easier, but the loss of a child does change you forever. Thank you as always for sharing.


Forever missing Gavin 4/7-5/3/08

Unknown said...

Again, you touch me. Just remember that God is the Father of Good gifts and there will be trials, but He doesn't tempt or try us, that is Satan whom God allows only to let us grow and only for things He has already prepared us to handle. If you want the Scripture to prove it, just ask. My pastor preached on this today and it really helped me on some of my own issues and "whys." Not trying to preach to you , just encourage you! Love ya girl!

wtgm3 said...

Monica, I received your blog in a Google alert for Phil Stacey. am so very sorry about your having lost a child. I have aunts and friends who have lost children, too. My own grandmother lost several children, as infants and as adults in accidents and sicknesses, too. But I want you to know that I do not believe God to be the One Who chose for you to have lost a child. John 10:10 says that the thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy. God is not the thief. He would not go against His own Word, which says "Be fruitful and multiply." You can believe for the thief to repay you 7 times for that loss, according to the Bible. You can believe for more children, as God has intended for you to be a "fruitful vine," as Psalm 128 says.

As far as Phil Stacey, I am one of his many "phans" called the Philnatics. I have not yet met him in person, but I know some of those who have. They will tell you that Phil is the most down-to-earth and sweetest guy you could ever meet. He is a funny guy, too. I have gotten used to his bald head, so I could not imagine him with hair. And I love blue eyes, <3. There is not one bit of arrogance in him. Often Christians have been labeled as "arrogant," when what they are is confident. Phil has heard the Gospel from a child and has walked with God for years. So I am sure that confidence is what he shows. He has raised money for the victims of the Greensburg, KS torandoes back in '07; has recently done a fundraiser for a sick little girl, and has even helped a young lady turn away from suicide, to just name some instances of how he has helped people. I have become his fan because of his faith and how he has shown himself to be a loving husband and father; all things I love in a man. And I think he has a great voice, too.:-). I would encourage you to check him out on youtube. You can find links to other songs he sings to the Lord, like "Hold Me Jesus" by Rich Mullins; "Oh the blood of Jesus," sung at Calvary Assembly in Orlando (titled "Blood of Jesus"), and "Friend of God," which you can find under the title "Wes and Phil Stacey." He also has led in worship in his dad's church. Look up hendersonvillecog on youtube. I assure you that he will definitely encourage you with the songs he sings, and with his new cd, to be released on Aug. 25.
Kelly, and others who want to hear the song check out for 3 of Phil's new songs, including "You're Not Shaken." It is also available on iTunes.
Sorry for the wordiness, but I wanted to plug my guy and be of some encouragement, too. God bless.

Marlo said...

Wow, that last comment was pretty long. I never thought Phil Stacey would win idol or anything, but I never noticed the arrogance thing. (Maybe next to Simon everyone looks tame!) :)
Anyway....thanks for sharing the words of that song- I would have never looked it up on my own, and that is a powerful song. I'm glad it's ministering to you.

wtgm3 said...

Sorry about the length of my last post, but I felt I had to point out what kind of guy Phil is. This recent military publication describes him and one of his songs that will be on the cd. He describes what his cd will be about as well. he article says, ' “Most of the songs are my personal little sermonettes,” he said. “… It deals with the good times, with the bad times, with doubts…. It’s about encouragement.” '

"You're Not Shaken," according to one publication, was considered the best new Christian song of the week.

Janna said...

I could have written that paragraph myself about your only aspriration is to be a mother!

I used to say I wanted enough children to perform The Sound of Music using only my family:)

I sing. I write. I have a degree in music but I just love motherhood! I'm 30 with a 1 year old so I don't know if we'll be performing the sound of music or not:) but like you I pray for siblings in God's time.

wtgm3 said...

Just wanted to post again to say that Phil has announced on his Twitter account that "You're Not Shaken" is available for free from Amazon until July 14. He posted the link below, which should take you directly to Amazon.

Kendra said...

Wow...what beautiful lyrics.

Praying our God-given dreams to be mothers come true.