Friday, May 29, 2009

Futile obedience

This is what I'm doing today. And tomorrow. And the next couple days after that.




Those are my desperate-for-a-pedicure toes and my laptop. In bed. Which is where I'm resting. Because that's what you do when you are on bedrest.

Yep, bedrest.

Thursday, I went to the obgyn's office for a routine postpartum check-up. Except nothing obstetrical or gynecological is ever "routine" with me.

Oh, before I go any farther, did I mention that I was in the hospital (back home in Nashville) Saturday and Sunday? I didn't? Oh. I was in the hospital Saturday and Sunday. That's kind of a crucial detail to the story.

When we returned from Ohio Saturday afternoon, I felt okay. But by bedtime, I had an excruciating headache and blood pressure readings of 177/114 and 185/119. Jim insisted on calling Dr. Morgan's office, and after speaking with the obgyn on call, we were instructed to go to Labor & Delivery. Wow! Twice in one week; fun times!

So, off we trek at 10:30 Saturday night. And I'm monitored, and told to lay on my left side, and about 5:00 am, I'm admitted and moved to a antepartum room. I was given some blood pressure meds and told to wait for the doctor.

And when she came in, she was full of "pertinent" questions ("do you think you might be depressed?") and "helpful" information ("your lab work appears fine and your BP is down") and her pet peeves ("I don't appreciate it when patients take their own BP readings at home").

Sigh.

So, discouraged and exhausted, we returned home with no answers and a prescription for continued BP medication.

And because she got under my skin with the at-home-BP-readings comment, I returned our borrowed digital BP cuff to our neighbors, dutifully took my hydrocortothalazide (or whatever it is, I'm rattling that off from memory, I think), and tried to pretend that my head still didn't feel like it would explode if I kept breathing.

And Thursday, when I had my BP taken at the ob's office, and it was up, I just smiled apologetically to the doctor who was seeing me in Dr. Morgan's vacation absence. I was out of ideas; now it was time for them to start doing their jobs and figure out what was going on.

Apparently, the medicine I'd started on Sunday should have been enough to return my BP to normal. And the fact that it hadn't had the doctor concerned.

So, back to Labor & Delivery I go. Again. For more labwork, more urinalysis, more monitoring. And after a few hours, my nurse came in with discharge papers and the news that I was on the tail end of preeclampsia.

Exhale.

Pre-e. Well, that would have been nice to know, oh, say, two weeks ago.

And, yes, I say that with a hint of bitterness, but mostly sadness. Sadness, because I know that even if I'd been diagnosed with pre-e two weeks ago, we would have most likely still lost Duncan. 24 weeks is just too little to survive, especially if he'd been in fetal distress for a month.

It's just....

Well, you can imagine just what it is.

So, for the next several days, I'm off my feet and in bed and staying hydrated. The combo of rest and water should be enough to get the brain swelling (headache) to subside and to get my kidneys back to normal.

And that's that.

Bedrest isn't fun, ever. But I can tell you it's a lot less fun when there is no hope of a healthy baby boy on the other end, which is what I was working toward the last time I did this.

Hence the post title.

I don't have a death wish; I know I need to rest to get better so that I can enjoy Jim and Seth. But right now, I'm just wishing that this effort meant something for Duncan, too.

9 comments:

Cherry said...

OH Monica, HUGS I'm still praying for you.. <3

Jenn said...

I'm so sorry Monica...that you are dealing with this on top of everything else. I pray that you are able to get the rest you need this weekend.

Sara said...

I feel the need to travel to TH as well as Nashville's hospital & bitch slap some medical staff. I really do. I'm angry for you. I'm hurt with you. My heart is breaking with yours. Stay off your feet & I will pray with all my might that this passes quickly & it is the LAST complication you have for a good long while!

Spellbound said...

What can I say but I am so sorry you are dealing with this! You are in my prayers......

Michelle said...

I just recently found your blog. I'm so sorry to hear about your son. I won't try and offer any words of advise/wisdom/inspiration because quite frankly I'm not really good at and if I were you I wouldn't want it. You want what only God can give you. Your son. And that's just got to be the worst pain ever. Praying for peace in this time of your suffering.

Kristin (kekis) said...

It doesn't feel like it, but you taking some downtime IS something for Duncan. It is you taking the time to take care of his Mommy, his big brother's Mommy, and his Daddy's wife. Remember in the times that are the hardest that you are needed and loved from the Heavens and Earth.

And, for what it's worth, when I first saw your post pic I thought, "Wow! Her feet look great!"

Stacy D said...

Praying...

Spencer shared something with me that really helped. When I was getting down about having had a classical c-section and other physical things related to my pregnanct with Isaac, he reminded me that there's little that I WILL actually be able to do for him, and that these things are sacrifces that I AM able to make. No, not the sacrifices I would want to make... I would rather sacrifice my sleep at night to be up to feed him; sacrifice my time in the evening to play with him. But, these are things that I COULD do because of him. It really helped my perspective on it all.

Praying for your physical recovery, and for your hurting heart...

~ Stacy

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Praying for you...

Kendra said...

I am wishing that too....