Friday, June 19, 2009

And it just keeps growing

Remember the "pregnant list" post from last week?

Well, since I published that, the list has morphed a little. Two of the ladies on the list delivered healthy baby boys in the last week.

So, yea! The list went down to 18.

But then, on Monday, I received back-to-back emails from very close girlfriends, letting me know that they are expecting their second babies this winter.

Wednesday, two more girlfriends announced their pregnancies. One is her second, after multiple losses; the other is her third, after a recent loss. Honestly, their losses make it a little easier to stomach. How sick is that? That miscarriage and stillbirth and infant loss has taken my psyche to a place where I think those who have suffered loss are somehow more entitled to a healthy baby. I'm sorry. But if I'm being honest, it's how I feel.


On a different note, but kind of related is my "disclaimer" for this post.

Recently, someone questioned how I knew to write the "warning: random posts ahead" post last Sunday. I had to admit that I'd already written six posts for this week. She was surprised. She also blogs and said, "I just write about whatever is current [in my life]."

Well, yeah. That makes sense. And it's what I do, too. Normally.

But I had to confess that I was afraid to write what was "current" with me, because chances would strongly lean toward posts all about Duncan, or how I was feeling about Duncan, or how much I miss Duncan, or how I'd give anything to still be pregnant with Duncan...

And while nothing increases blog traffic like a tragic event (I nearly doubled my followers when Duncan was born), I would think nothing would deter readers faster than hearing, over and over, about my melancholy.

So....I've just been posting non-emotional, random fodder. But I think that's about run its course, so I hope y'all can put up with some heavier posts in the coming weeks. Because I need to be real with you, and right now, real isn't very pretty.


Anonymous said...

Real is all you need to be. Praying for you.

Sara said...

My goodness! What a list! Praise God for the healthy babibes that your friends delivered last week!

Sara said...

That wasn't a command, I was just sounded funny. :\ I hope you know what I meant.

mandie lane said...

Your blog is the place to be real. Even if real isn't always fun or pretty. We're here to support you, no matter what's up on the blog- we'll "awwww" over cute Seth, or we'll "listen" and send love and prayers as you share about Duncan and what's in your heart and on your mind as you journey through this sad, sad loss. Let it out, girl. I, for one, am not going anywhere.

Kendra said...

We are for the realness, no matter how pretty or not.

This is your blog to write about what you want, not what you think we want to read.

Don't let "us" deter you from sharing your heart =)

Love you.

Valerie said...

We love the real you. Don't feel like you need to be anything but. said...

I completely understand your feelings about being able to stomach people that are pregnant after losses. I was always bitter (no matter how hard I tried not to be) about my family & friends getting pregnant after I had suffered 3 losses. It WAS NOT fair. While some of my family got it, the rest didn't & thought I should get over it & love the newest baby born to our family. Which made it worse. When I finally got pregnant w/Cadence & developed the blood clots - my aunt was thrilled to share (while I was in the hospital getting blood thinning shots every hr - still not knowing the outcome of the treatment & how things would progress w/Cadence) my cousin was due 2 days after me. That made me mad too - could I get a little joy to myself after trying & losing 3? Even w/Cadence & #2 due soon, I still get a little bitter - I think it just comes w/the pregnancy/infant loss territory. But you're not alone w/those feelings! I pray for you often...Seth is so beautiful - I'm so happy that you have him to look at..not that it dulls the loss of Duncan, but being able to squeeze him so tight on those bad days..well hugging Cadence is always a delicious comfort for me.