Sunday, June 28, 2009

When Support Gets Sidetracked

When we learned that Duncan was no longer alive, Jim and I decided to keep our news relatively quiet until the dust settled, so to speak. Rather than face hoards of questions we didn't have answers to, we chose to ask only those who were closest to us to walk through the dark valley between Saturday and Wednesday.

I knew that I would not get through the anticipation and reality of Duncan's birth without the support of my closest girlfriends, all but one of whom were at least 200 miles away from me. The phone calls to these girls were some of the hardest of my life, for I knew that I would be handing them a heartache almost as deep as my own.

Words and actions and even the moments in silence with these women held me up through some of the darkest days of my life, before, during, and after Duncan's birth.

But as the weeks passed, five of the seven girlfriends were, not of their own choosing, drawn into their own set of drama-filled and unforeseen circumstances that have taken their attention away from me -- and rightfully so, I want to be sure to clarify.

*Point in case:

Erin - stay at home mom to two little ones, husband unexpectedly laid off, facing a cross-country move (to her inlaws home, no less) and leaving a house she has poured her heart and soul into

Jodi - stay at home mom to two little ones, husband accepted new job position resulting in a cross-country move (to her mom's house, no less) while they wait for their house to sell

Kendall - full time career woman who is starting on a very unclear portion of an infertility journey; also, a time zone difference and limited Internet access on her part makes it a challenge for us to get quality communication time

Leigh - stay at home mom to a not-even-one-year-old who became pregnant - SURPRISE! - who is going, essentially, AWOL for a month on a cross-country vacation

Diane - stay at home mom to a two-year old; pregnant and due only 3 days before I was; the pregnancy has become complicated; she has a history of kidney stones and premature labor

Roxy - full time teacher, and wife to a teacher, so you can only imagine what her schedule has been like; she knows the path I'm on only too well, and is feeling the weight of making the decision to try again for a healthy pregnancy and baby

I can't emphasize enough that I'm NOT saying that these women haven't been there for me. That couldn't be further from the truth! I'm merely recognizing that I think God is telling me that I need to let go, to an extent, of my dependence on my girlfriends, and to put more of my dependence back on Him to get through this valley.

I'm also not saying that God gave these circumstance to my girlfriends to teach me a lesson. I know He has a separate plan and intent for each of them, too.

I don't know exactly where I'm going with this post. I guess this entry is really more for those five women.

You each know who you are; you each know (I hope) what you mean to me; I want you to know that whatever time and attention and love you can spare, when you can spare it -- it's enough; I want you to know that even if I'm not "there for you" in your current struggle in the way that I want to be, that I love you, pray for you, think of you daily, and only want God's best for your life.

I'm so thankful that you are my friend, and the sister of my heart. I wish we were geographically closer. I wish that, for most of you, our friendship hadn't been forged in the fire of pregnancy loss. But I'd go through that heartache again if it meant gaining you.

So, hmm.

I guess this turned into more of a personal letter, didn't it? Oh well. It's my blog; I can write what I want to. ;)

*names were changed for privacy


Brooke said...

I think *I* needed this post right now. I know our grief is so very very different, but grief is grief. While your friends' lessons were not given to them for you, you are also interlinked with those people (and for a reason, IMO). And in some ways those lessons are for you. I think about this a lot with Kellen. His lessons won't be mine, but his lessons (and he) will help me through mine.

Sara said...

I loved this post, Mon! *hugs*

Stacy D said...

I so wish I lived closer to you, Monica. :( Still praying...

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...


Janna said...

Beauty from ashes. It's true the hard times do seem to knit our hearts in a way the good times cannot. I'm glad you have friends but gladest of all you have God.

Kendra said...

I know you already know this, but you are never, EVER far from my heart, even if we go awhile without talking.

The Lord lays you on my heart constantly, and I lift you and your precious family up before Him.

Praying for peace, comfort, and hope...and praying that you see such pride and feel blessed in knowing that the God of the universe wants to know YOU better.

What an honor.