Sunday, June 7, 2009

Torn

I read a blog post yesterday written by a woman who delivered a stillborn son last September.

When people voiced that they were surprised to see her in church the weekend after her son's birth, she merely replied, "Where would I rather be?"

Oh, how I wish I felt that way this morning. I'm dressed and coiffed. I look like I'm ready for church, but I'm anything but.

I haven't been able to attend Sunday School or worship since Duncan's birth. And now that I can, I'm fearful of how I'll respond to the experience.

I'm not mad at God right now. I know Duncan's death isn't His "fault." He doesn't make mistakes. But I'm definitely feeling some distance in my relationship with my Heavenly Father, moreso on my part (well, I guess it's always on our part, isn't it?). I just have so many questions that I'm not getting answered, and knowing that I may never get answers just leaves me.....well, with not so much to say to Him.

So.

It's 9:05. Time to head out. I'll let y'all know how it goes....

5 comments:

Angela said...

I'm so sorry, Monica. God knows. He understands. Take your time. He will be there. I'm praying for you...

amy (metz) walker said...

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this! I've SO been there in the past under different circumstances but that distance is a tough thing to manage. Praying for you...

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Hi Monica...you have been in my prayers. And...this post reminded me very much of my own journey many years ago. After both the loss of my twin daughters and later our son, church was one of the hardest places for me to go. Like you, I was not mad at God, blaming God or anything like that. But I was tender and in the raw time of grief. It was just hard to go. I went, but it was sometimes a struggle...and I was always a little tender and teary during those initial months. I was also nervous about being around my church family...it's hard to cover feelings around those who care. And those emotions are just so strong...and bubble up to the surface. I'm so sorry for every hard part of this journey.

Continuing to pray for you...

Kelly

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

The unanswered questions are so hard...and they may never have an answer this side of heaven...but in time, you will find comfort in Him again. And He will draw you near. He will be there...He will carry you. Even during this time of distance, He is there.

Sara said...

I hope you felt closer to God once you got there & that the whole thing wasn't too painful for any of you. *BIGHUGS* <3

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