Wednesday, June 3, 2009

I don't have "time" to drift....

I wish I had the energy to expound on my title, but this is more just a cry for help right now.

Has anyone out there who is reading Writer Chic experienced a loss like ours -- and infant death or stillbirth -- that was not their first child?

I'm finding that what I'm experiencing is a different "flavor" of the same grief some of my girlfriends have experienced. But everyone who I've connected to who has walked this road has lost their first child. And it's different, to process the grief and all that comes along with this, when you have a little one underfoot.

I feel like I'm just marking time right now. The days are passing, and I'm just drifting along, not really seeing, not really feeling. While I know that this is "okay," "normal," and even "healthy" according to all the doctors I've spoken with and all the grief material I've read, it doesn't do me any favors in the mommy department, where I don't want to miss even a moment with Seth....

Okay, ramble much?

If anyone has any experience or can direct me somewhere for some tips, I'd appreciate it.

19 comments:

Jared and Kate said...

I've been "lurking" on your blog--I'm heartbroken for you. While I have not lost a child, I do have complicated pregnancies and premature babies. If you haven't read Angie Smith's blog, you might want to check it out--she has her email address on her blog and might be a good resource for you. She lost her little Audrey a couple of hours after her birth. Audrey was her 4th child. www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com

My prayers are with you.

Crista said...

Mon- you should look up Ryan's mom on FB. She had at least one miscarriage that I know of and being a pastor's wife she is great with knowing what to say, and how to say it. She may be of some help/comfort to you. You can find her in my friends list. I also have a friend here in NC who went through a similar situation about two years ago. I want to double-check with her before giving out her email though. I'm praying for you and Jim as you continue to heal. I love you and it kills me that you are hurting and there is nothing I can do.

Anonymous said...

I have been reading the following blog for a few months now...this young woman lost her second child @ 5 months, give it a read:
http://libertylee.blogspot.com/

Shannon said...

My friend carried a child to full term last year and it was born stillborn. It was her 4th child - her other 3 are living here on Earth instead of Heaven. It was a hard experience for her and she joined a support group that consists of mothers just like herself. She might be of some help to you, if you'd like her contact info, let me know. *hugs*

VanderbiltWife said...

Monica, If you want to talk to Angie Smith (AudreyCaroline.blogspot.com) let me know--I know her IRL and could probably connect you. She's a Nashvillian.

MckMama (mycharmingkids.net) posted something recently about a resource for moms who have lost a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth, or sudden death (http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2009/05/sufficient-grace.html). Perhaps the ministry could connect you with people.

Still thinking about and praying for you.

Jessie

angela jiniel said...

Monica,
I don't know how much Sara or Jim told about my parents, but they lost a boy, full-term, after me. I'm sure if you'd like to talk, my mom would be more than willing. Let me know if you'd like her email address. I'll be continuing to pray for you guys.

angie

Willemien said...

Dear Writer Chic..
I have been following Stacy's blog and met your blog address. Since that moment I follow your blog page.

I lost my baby girl Hanna last August (27th), she was still born after a 41 week pregnancy. I am still heart broken. She is my third child, my daughter Elise is 5 and my son Reinier 2 years old. Having been a mom for over 5 years, I can never stop being confronted with the knowledge of knowing what a 9 months old baby (the age Hanna would have been right now) should look like, or what she would be able to do at this stage. It hurts deeply. You know.

My sister Carol ended her pregnancy of 24 weeks after finding out the baby was not going to live.. this was only three week after my daughter was still born. I have struggled with her disicion, even though I do not judge it (or really try to, with Jesus help).

I want to let you know I think I know how you must feel. You mourne. You feel a lack of energy. You will probably meet JALOUSY and feel its discomfort. It is OK. Jesus is with you. You are safe. Yes, you hurt (a lot!!) but you have never been safer.

Sorry this is a long story..

Greetings and love from the Netherlands,
Willemien

Sara said...

Mon - Angie's mom's was her second baby. Call me & I'll give you her number. I've already talked to her about it & she'd be more than happy to discuss things with you. She's wonderful & loving & I think would be a good source of comfort for you. Plus, she's right down the street. heck, I might just give you a call right now. Love you!

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Hi Monica,

My son Timothy was two years old when our twin daughters Faith and Grace were stillborn at 26 weeks. And, he was four years old when we said goodbye to our Thomas, born full term and with us for six hours before going home to heaven.

I remember feeling the disconnected drifting that you speak of...especially with our first loss. And, you're right it is normal and healthy. But, it is not convenient for motherhood. The distracted, sometimes-not-wanting-to-get-out-of- bed or feel or focus on anything makes mothering difficult. I also remember Timothy trying to draw me pictures of the babies to make me smile when I was sad. Although most of those days were a blur, I treasure the memories of him talking about what his sisters and brother would be doing in heaven. He missed them too. Although he was very young, he knew that we were sad and he knew why. He was sad too. He had wanted his baby brothers and sisters, and they weren't here.

I wish I could say something to make this time easier or give you a quick fix to the dilemma of mothering and meeting the needs of a little one while grieving. I don't have that answer. What I can tell you is that I drifted for a time. And I did my best...to put one foot in front of the other. To do the next thing. And we made it through...even if I wasn't on my A game as a mommy. And, one day...I remember looking at Timothy and really noticing the gift before me...pulling on me to come out of my haze of grief and go play. And I did. And, God used his little hand tugging me and his little giggle to remind me of the gifts in this life, during the time of sorrow. But, for awhile before that day...I just drifted. And some days since... when loss has darkened our door again...the loss of my mom, specifically, I have drifted in the sea of grief again...doing my best to put one foot in front of the other.

In all of that...even though, right now, you may not feel Him...Jesus carries you, and Seth, and your husband. And His grace is sufficient, not only to carry all of you through this...but to cover your mommy-drifting right now. He's got you...all of you. And you will not drift in this sea forever. You will be able to focus on the blessings of life in the land of the living again one day, and fully embrace the joy. But for now...now is the time of grief. Just know...it isn't forever. Please email me if there is anything you need...even just to talk. My email: sufficientgraceministries@gmail.com

Praying God's continued comfort and sufficient grace as He carries you...

Kelly Gerken
Sufficient Grace Ministries

Rhinelander GM & Toyota said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stacy D said...

Mon,

So good to talk with you today. I was just going to recommend getting in touch with Angie Smith since she lives in Nashville, but someone already beat me to it. Kelly at Sufficient Grace Ministries lost a son and a set of twins... I don't think any of them were her first. Also, A girl names Kristy at http://waitingforhappy.blogspot.com (I think that's correct) has lost two boys; I know that Asher (the second son she lost) wasn't her first. I don't know about Isaac (the first son she lost).

I know that already having Seth certainly adds a whole different dimension to it all.

Continually praying...

~ Stacy

mandie lane said...

Hey sweetie. I don't know anyone firsthand. But have you read 'To Full Term'? The author lost a set of twins in the 2nd trimester, and had a young daughter at home at the time. While it's not someone to "talk" to, it's a book worth picking up if it might bring you some comfort. She talks a lot about the stress of being on bed rest (with her final successful pregnancy) and trying to also be the mother her daughter needs.

xoxo

(sorry for the delete above, I was signed into a work account and figured you'd wonder why Rhinelander GM and Toyota was calling you sweetie and offering xoxo's)

Heather Ledeboer said...

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Someone emailed me today and gave me a link to your blog and I wanted to let you know that I lost our 3rd child (a boy) at 37 weeks one year ago. Our oldest son is 5 and our daugther is 3.5. I welcome you to contact me if you wish. Here is a blog post I wrote a while back related to my feelings on this: http://blog.mom4life.com/mom_4_life/2008/06/there-is-someth.html If you have any desire to read more of our story it starts on this page http://mom4life.typepad.com/mom_4_life/from_a_mom_4_life/page/2/ at the bottom of the page (from the post on May 5, 2008). Please note that any entries before Nov 30th, 2008 relate to our loss but after Nov 30th I started writing about what it was like for me to find out I was pregnant after our loss. I just want to give you that heads up in case you wish to read about our loss but don't want to read about my pregnancy (which I would totally understand).

((hugs to you)) I am so sorry

Jenn said...

Monica,
My best friend lost her 3rd baby 2 weeks before her due date. I'd love to connect you with her. If you want to you can e-mail me with your info - jennifersenter at yahoo

Amanda said...

Monica,

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Duncan. My third son Gavin passed away last year after 26 days here on Earth. I do believe it is a very different experience when it is your second, third, etc child that you lose and you are then needed every moment by another little one at home (or more!) I am more than happy and willing to talk or just listen if you need someone. Please just email me at amanda_keeney@hotmail.com

Blessings,
Amanda Chalk

Michele said...

Oh Monica. You know I've been through this. I wish I could give you some great words of wisdom, but there are none. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I can't. Just know that the pain does lessen as time goes on. You will never forget, but it will get easier to get out of bed. Thank God for my older kids; I truly believe they are what got me through the darkest time in my life. I am here if you need me and thinking of you every day.

Janna said...

I "happened" upon your blog tonight and now I know it was so that I could pray for you.

When I lost my first baby someone gave me the book "Empty Arms." I didn't end up reading it but it is Christian based and deals with miscarriage, still birth, and tubal pregnancy and the issues of anger, guilt, hurting husbands, mood swings etc.

Melanie said...

Hi! I have been reading your blog but not sur ehow I found you. :) I lost my fifth child at 32 weeks. He was stillborn in August. I am now 24 weeks pregnant with our 6th child. I am so sorry for your loss and I know it is so hard to grieve as well as parent our other blessings that we do have. Saying a prayer for you.

Mochamama said...

Hi Monica- I've been reading your blog for a while and wanted to say hi. My third son was born stillborn at 20 weeks. I know what you are going through and can completely relate to what you are saying. My son Mason died four months ago, this Wed. It has been the hardest thing to go through and most days it's hour by hour but God has blessed with me with several blogs of ladies who have gone through something simliar. Feel free to send me an email and I'd be happy to share more, listen, pray for you. It's mimiloco1221@yahoo.com.

Praying for you. Mimi